Month: March 2007

Last week, I asked my students to write a few sentences about the ocean as a warm-up exercise for learning. The results I recieved were…interesting, to say the least. Here are the best of the bunch:

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2. Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5. A dolphin breaths through an ass hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8. I like mermaids They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9. I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13. On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her ass. (Jule age 7)

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him “I believe I found the reason for your stuttering”. The man asked, “Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem.”

The doctor replied, “Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant.” The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter.

At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, “Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back.”

The doctor shook his head and replied, “That’s im.. im.. im.. impo.. impossible.”

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Here are a bunch of lateral thinking jokes that i got over the past few years. Some of them you may have heared because they are pritty well known.

PS: The answers are at the bottom of the screen. PPS: It is best to have 2+ people. One that askes the Questions and 1+ to answer ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1)There was a man that was hung. When the detectives got there there was nothing in the room but a puddle. How did he die????

2) What is this famous expresion… 9547653821S13735784A79073F9654E74574T2957387Y6375487

3)There was a man in a scuba-diving suit in the middle of a burnt forest and he was dead. How did he get there?

4) There was a man i the the middle of a field with a pakage that could have saved his life on his back. What was the package and how did he get there?

5)A man walked into a room flicked on the switch, the lights flickered, and the man left the room content.

6)A man lives on the twelfth floor of an apartment building. Every morning he takes the elevator down to the lobby and leaves the building. In the evening, he gets into the elevator, and, if there is someone else in the elevator — or if it was raining that day — he goes back to his floor directly. Otherwise, he goes to the tenth floor and walks up two flights of stairs to his apartment.

7)In the middle of the ocean is a yacht. Several corpses are floating in the water nearby.

8) There is a woman that stole 3 golden nuggets all weiging 10 kg. She was running from the cops then she was faced with a dicision to cros a bridge that cound only suport 80kg or go to the cops. She chose to go arose the bridge. Howed she get across? PS: She weighs 70kg and cant leave any behind.

9) A Man Rockes up to a bar the bartender then pulls a gun out from under the cashregestra and the man says “Thanks” then leaves happily why??

10)A man is returning from Switzerland by train. If he had been in a non-smoking car he would have died. Why??

****BONUS****

11)A man is the only survivor on a ship wreck. He surches the island hes on and finds a Crab, a pot from the ship, planks of wood from the ship to make a hut, Some fresh water, some fire wood and 1 single match. He wants to make some crab soup. What should he light first??

12) Who is ths famous fictional character? HOROBOD?

Answers

1) He stood on a block of ice to hang himself.

2)SAFETY in numbers

3)A helicopter that sucks up water from the ocean sucked him up and dumped him in a Bushfire.

4)He was sky diving and the “package” was his parachute

5)He was an Execuioner and was going to give someone the chair

6)He’s a Dwarf. Need i say any more? (he can only reach up to the 10th floor if its raining then he can us an umbrella and if theres someone else in the elevator he can ask them)

7) Alternate Solution #1

A group of people were on an ocean voyage in a yacht. One day, they decided to go swimming — they put on their swimsuits and dove off the side. They discovered belatedly that they have forgotten to put a ladder down the side of the yacht and were unable to climb back in, so they drowned.

Alternate Solution #2

The same situation, but they set out a ladder that was just barely long enough. When they dove into the water, the boat, without their weight, rose slightly in the water, putting the ladder just out of reach.

8) She Juggled them.

9)The man had the hickups and the bartend was a caring person so he sacred him.

10)The man used to be blind — he’s returning from an eye operation which restored his sight. He spent all his money on the operation, so when the train (which had no internal lighting) goes through a tunnel, he thinks he’s gone blind again and decides to kill himself. But before he could do it, he saw the light of the cigarettes people were smoking and realized he could still see.

11)The match

12)Rob in Hood

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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, Where have you been? I’ve been to the pub, slurs the drunk.

Well, says the cop, it looks like you’ve had quite a few.

I did alright, the drunk says with a smile.

Did you know, says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?

Oh, thank heavens, sighs the drunk. For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.

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