My 3 year old girl asked me

“Where does poo come from?”

I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation.

So I said, “You just ate breakfast, yes?”

“Yes.” she replied.

“Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.”

She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

——-

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A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he’s bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.

The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he’s also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.

While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says “Well it’s your turn now. What do you request?”

The British man responds “First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don’t believe I should get off easy.”

The Judge yells “You’re crazy! why would you do that?”

The Brit responds “Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back.”

——-

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride. The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers.

Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said,
“Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons.”

Dugly, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger,

“Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk ’bout?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is “How about nuclear power?”

“Yeeahp. I dont much care for it” said Dugly.

“Ok” said the stranger “why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep”

Dugly considers for a moment, then says
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

After considering for a minute, Stranger says “Jeez, I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said Dugly as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?

——-

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So this British couple adopt a German baby and as it grows from a babe-in-arms, to a toddler, it never makes a sound.

As the child grows into a young boy, he stays silent and it gets to the point where his adopted parents are really worried.

As the boy gets older, he still never says a word.

Then one day, the family were eating their Sunday lunch and all of a sudden, the adopted German child, now aged 14 suddenly says in a thick German accent:

“Zis roast beef iz dry unt chewy!”

The parents are stunned!

“W-w-whaaaat did you say?” Asks the flabbergasted mother.

“DONNER UNT BLITZEN WOMAN! I SAY ZAT DE ROAST BEEF IZ DRY UNT CHEWY!”
“My God!” Exclaims the father. “You can talk?!”

“OV COURSE UNT CAN TALKEN!” Screams the child at the top of his voice.

“Then why have you remained silent all these years?” Asks the father. “Why is this the first time you’ve ever said anything?”

“BECAUSE UP UNTIL NOW, EVERYZING HAZ BEEN SATISFACTORY!”

——-

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