Wholesome family dinner conversation

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”


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A chicken farmer

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”


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Alone Time

Little Johnny’s parents wanted to have some “alone time” together, so they sent Johnny out onto the porch with an ice-cream sandwich. Not wanting the boy to finish too quickly, his mother came up with an idea to keep him distracted.

“While you’re eating that,” she said, “watch the neighborhood and tell us everything interesting that you see.”

A few minutes in to their lovemaking, Johnny’s parents heard him yell his first report: “The Millers got a new car!”

“That’s great!” answered his mother. “Keep looking!”

More time passed, and Johnny shouted again: “The O’Learys are planting flowers!”

“Good job!” responded his father. “Keep looking!”

Another minute went by, and Johnny called out for a third time: “Mister and Missus Jones are having sex!”
Johnny’s parents abruptly stopped in their own activity. After a moment of silence, his mother replied with “How do you know that they’re having sex, Johnny?”

“Because Billy Jones is eating an ice-cream sandwich on their porch!”


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Suspected a fishing boat owner

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.”

IRS AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one.”

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know?”


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