After the Revolutionary War

Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business. His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.

After Ethan came in from using it later that day, they asked him if he noticed anything different. He said he noticed the portrait. When asked what he thought of it, he replied that he found it very appropriate for an Englishman to put it there. His confused hosts pressed him for an explanation, to which he replied, “Nothing makes an Englishman shit quicker than the sight of General Washington.”

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An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site. High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime. The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

“I say! roast beef sandwiches. I’m sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I’ve got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!”

Andrew, the Scot, opens his sandwiches, “Ach! haggis sandwiches! I’m sick of haggis sandwiches! If I get haggis sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!”

Paddy likewise opens his sandwiches, “Feck! potato sandwiches! I’m sick of potato sandwiches! If I get potato sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!”

the next days comes and, what do you know. Arthur has roast beef again. Without a word, he jumps from the 20th floor. Likewise, Andrew has haggis. Without so much as a whisper, he swan-dives the full 20 floors. Mournfully, Paddy eyes his potato sandwiches. With a final salute to the world, he too jumps off. All three men quite dead.

At the funeral the tearful wife of the Englishman says, “All Arthur had to do was tell me he didn’t like roast beef. I’d have made him another filling!”

The wife of the Scotsman sniffs, “I loved my Andrew! I would have made him any sandwich he’d asked for, if he’d just said something!”

The wife of the Irishman is quite unmoved, “The fecking idiot made his own sandwiches!”


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Salesman Wanted

A man came into a shop with a ‘Salesman Wanted’ sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, “I-I-I w-w-waannnnn-t the j- joooob-b.”

“I don’t know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment ,” said the owner.

“I h-h-havvvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k- kkkkids, iiiii-I re-really neeeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!” said the man.

“O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them.” said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later. “H-here-ssss your m-m-money.” said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, “Her- ers y-yoooour m-m-money.”

The owner said, “This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?”

“W-welllll,” said the man, “I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say ‘H- Hel-Hello, M-m- maaaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooorr d-d-do y-you w-w-want m’me t-tooooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?”

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At Ukrainian School

On the first day in a Ukrainian school, the teacher introduces herself to the children.

“My name is Galina and I am Ukrainian,” she says. “Now introduce yourselves, children.”

A young boy stands up and says, “My name is Kostya and I am Ukrainian.”

Next, a young girl stands up and says, “My name is Iryna and I am Ukrainian.”

Another lad stands up and says, “My name is Grigori and I am Russian.”

“Why are you Russian, Grigori?” asks the teacher.

“Well, my mom is Russian and my dad is Russian, so that makes me Russian.” says the boy.

The teacher then asks, “Well, what if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?”

“Then I’d be Ukrainian” says Grigori smiling.


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