A guy walked into a bar with a monkey
description

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a cherry on the bar.

He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.

The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”

“No, what?” asked the man.

“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.

“He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to sh!t out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

“””””

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Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear
description

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.
“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am literally blind. How would they want me?” And he’s right. He comes out a few minutes later and hugs his friends that he doesn’t have to join the army because they don’t need a blind mole.

“Ok guys”, says the bear terrified. “Let’s face it. I am one of the biggest and most dangerous animals. I am the perfect soldier.” “I have an idea”, says the turtle slowly, “the most dangerous part of you are your teeth. Without your teeth you are not really dangerous. So if we just smash your teeth they won’t want you!” Reluctantly the bear agrees and the three friends start smashing the bears teeth.

Without teeth the bear enters the examination room and after 10 minutes comes out again with a hanging head and sad face. “So, you have to join army?”, the turtle asks carefully. The bear mumbles:”No, I’m too fat”

“””””

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A Weird Doctor Visit
description

A Weird Doctor Visit

A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.

She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up, and started examining her naked body. He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.

A second man came over, lifted the sheet, and performed the same examinations.

When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders:

“I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

“””””

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Man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living
description

Man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”

“””””

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