Police pulls over man late for work
description

Police pulls over man late for work

So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work. Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding down the road,the police officer pulls out, sirens blazing. The man pulls over as soon as he notices.

The police officer walks up to the car and asks, “Sir, do you know how fast I just clocked you at?”

The man replied, “Probably too fast, officer. I’m sorry, I’m really late for work and I had an important client coming in for an appointment..”

The officer cuts him off, saying, “What is it exactly you do that warrants that kind of rush?”

The man replied, “Well sir, I’m an asshole stretcher.”

“A what??”

“An asshole stretcher. People pay for my services in doing exactly that. Today we were going to go through the steps of my client’s upcoming procedure.”

“Why would he need that explained, though?”

“Well, it’s a fairly long, strenuous, and complicated process, requiring thousands of dollars of expensive equipment and the knowledge of how to use all of it. This particular client was going to be my most challenging procedure yet, as he wanted me to stretch his asshole to around six feet!”

The officer seemed rather perplexed at this point. After a long, awkward silence, he asks, “But what the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?”

The man replied, “You give them radar guns and put them under bridges.”

“““““

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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods
description

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder calls Tiger Woods and says

“how do you fancy a round of golf”

Tiger says “I didn’t think you would be able to play Stevie”

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.

Tiger says “you have to understand Stevie I am a pro golfer, it will be too much of a mismatch”

Stevie says” OK well tell you what, a million dollars says I win or are you chicken”

Tiger says “OK done, when do you want to play?”

Stevie says “any night this week”

——-

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Finally time to get married
description

Finally time to get married

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked, rather tentatively.

‘I would like it *infrequently’ she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered – ‘Is that one word or two?’

“““““

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Son is born different
description

Son is born different

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. “Your son is just a head!”

But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!”

The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left… then to the right… right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”

——-

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