A TV crew goes down to a farmer to explore how a day in the countryside unfolds. They ask him to describe how his day goes.

– Well, I get up in the morning, and I have a shot of moonshine…

– Hold on, hold on, this won’t do!! We can’t tell our viewers that you’re drinking first thing in the morning. You know what, say that you get up and read the newspaper. There you go!

– Alright, I get up in the morning, and I read the newspaper. I feed the pigs, and then I read another newspaper. In the morning, I’m out in the workshop, and I read two or three books. For lunch, I read two magazines, then I walk around the estate, reading another book. In the evening, I bring in the animals, and then I read the evening newspaper. After that, I would go to the library, but it’s only open until ten, so then we go over to my buddy Joe’s place, ’cause he’s got a printing press…

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Three guys die and go to heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner, your way across the bridge to Heaven will
be decided.”

The first guy says, “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated thrice.”

The angel gives him an old model pick-up.

The second guy says, “11 years and only once.”

The angel grants him a Mercedes.

The last man says, “20 years and not once, we loved each other with all our hearts.”

The angel is duly impressed, and bestows upon him a gold edition Lamborghini.

The man soon passes the other two men.

Hours later the two men catch up to him at a diner. He’s sitting alone at a table sobbing and muttering to himself.

One of the men approaches him and says, “I know we are dead but it could be much worse. Don’t be upset!”
The guy looks up and says “Don’t be upset?!, 30 minutes ago I passed my wife, and she was riding a skateboard!”

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A group of married couples get together for a Christmas dinner

When the last couple arrives, the wife is immediately showing off her present from her husband.

“Look at what my Jacob bought me!”, she exclaims as she holds up her hand with a diamond the size of a baseball on it.

All the other wives gather around her oohing and ahhing over her new ring.

One of the other husbands whispers to Harold, “I thought she wanted a new car?”

“She did”, answers Harold. “But I don’t know where to buy a fake Mercedes”.

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A magician was working on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” Or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the Captain’s parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said “Okay, I give up. Where’s the fucking ship?”

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