Do it before it starts

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen in a bit of a daze and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband whom is furiously flicking through channels on the tv.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels furiously and stuffing food in his mouth.

The wife stands up looking a bit irritated now, goes through to the kitchen and fetches her husband another beer.

The man hastily grabs the beer from her hand and downs it quickly. He looks back to his wife and says “quick! There might be time for one last beer before it starts!” And goes back to flicking channels on the tv.

The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. She places her hands on her hips and takes a deep breath…

“Now you look here mister! You come home latr, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all yoi do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even….

The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.


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Ride Along with Police Officer

A friend of mine who was a police officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: “I’ve been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for.”

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said “I can’t believe it, he didn’t do a single thing wrong. I’m going to pull him over and let him know.”
He pulls the guy over, goes up to him and says “Sir, I’m sorry I pulled you over. I just wanted to compliment you. I followed you for a while and not once did you speed, change lanes without signaling, or do anything else deserving of a citation. I rarely see this so I wanted to thank you for you safe driving.”

The guy looks up at him and replies: “Well, you’ve got to be careful when you’re drunk.


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Army General hasn’t got any since 1958

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.

The Army General replied “1958, ma’am.”

The woman, in disbelief, said “1958?! That long?

Come with me and let me make your night better.”

The woman and Army General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour.

Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1958…”

The Army General looked at her, confused, and replied “I sure hope not, it’s only 2125 now.”


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A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost. They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

“I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn,” says the Farm Owner.
The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it’s no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

“I’m sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me.”

“No problem,” says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. “There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings.”

“I will go then, friends,” says the Jehovah’s Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It’s the cow and the pig.


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