Do cats stutter?
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Do cats stutter?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says.

A little girl raises her hand “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must’ve been scary”, said the teacher.

“It sure was”, said the little girl.
“My kitty raised his back, went ‘Ffffff, Ffffff, Ffffff’….And before he could say ‘fuck’, the Rottweiler ate him!”

——-

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A-Hole with  a mustache
description

A-Hole with a mustache

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath “Fucking asshole with a mustache!” It just so happens that Stalin’s secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. Stalin then orders Zhukov brought back.

Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in the room facing Stalin.
“Comrade Zhukov,” begins Stalin, “would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?”

“I said ‘fucking asshole with a mustache’ Comrade Stalin.”
“And who did you have in mind when you said it?”
“Why, Comrade Stalin, Hitler of course…”

Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,
“And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did you have in mind when he said it?”

——-

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Sister Gwen
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Sister Gwen

Mother Superior: “Sister Gwen, if you walk through town at night, and you’re accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?”

Sister Gwen: “I would lift my habit, mother Superior.”

Mother Superior (shocked): “And what would you do next?”

Sister Gwen: “I would tell him to drop his pants.”

Mother Superior: (even more shocked) “And what then?”

Sister Gwen: “I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down.”

——-

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Legend of Attila the Hun
description

Legend of Attila the Hun

There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.
But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.

Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.

Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.

But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.
Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.”

Curious, Attila did as he asked.

Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.

“Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed.

Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.

To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,

“Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”

——-

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