Husband and Wife
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Husband and Wife

Wife: “How would you describe me?”

Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

Wife: “What does that mean?”

Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”

Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”

Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

“””””

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Area 51
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Area 51

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” ?Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…

Only this time there were two people on the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said,

“Do anything you want to me, but my wife is on the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

“””””

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Girl he’s been dating
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Girl he’s been dating

Two men in their twenties are sitting at the bar talking.

One of the guys remarks to the other, “Boy you look really tired!”

His friend replies, “Dude, I’m exhausted, my girl I’ve been dating wants sex all the time! three, four sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I just don’t know what to do!”

A fellow, in his seventies, is sitting a few bar stools down from them overhears their conversation. He looked over at the two men, and showing the wisdom of his age says,

“Marry her.

That’ll put an end to that nonsense!”

“””””

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Popular restaurant which is busy all the time
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Popular restaurant which is busy all the time

A man once visits a popular restaurant which is busy all the time. He was ordering the food and he noticed that his waiter carried a spoon in his pocket.

It seemed a little strange. Then he looked around and saw that all the staff had a spoon in their pockets.
He asked his waiter, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s management found out that spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It has a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 2 man-hours per shift.”
As luck would have it, he dropped his spoon and the waiter was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” said the waiter.

The man was impressed. He also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, he noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before the waiter walked off, he asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?” “Oh, certainly!” Then the waiter lowered his voice. “The management also found out that we can save time in the restroom by tying this string to our dick, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 45 percent.” The man asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

“””””

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