Football Fans
description

Football Fans

On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that in football she is a Jets fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Jets fans.

Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, ‘Janie, why didn’t you raise your hand?’ Because I’m not a Jets fan,’ she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, ‘Well, if you are not a Jets fan, then what football team are you a fan of?’ ‘I am a Patriots fan, and proud of it,’ Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. ‘Janie please tell us why you are a fan of the Patriots football team?’ “Because my mom is a Patriots fan, and my dad is Patriots fan, so I’m a Patriots fan too!” “Well,” said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, ‘that is no reason for you to be a Patriots fan. You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?’ “Then,” Janie smiled, ‘I’d be a Jets fan.’

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Soldiers in training
description

Soldiers in training

A squad of soldiers in training stood in line to get their practice weapons for an upcoming simulated battle. As the last soldier got up to the sergeant, the sergeant said, “sorry son, we’re all out. Take this broom instead.” The private looked puzzled so the sergeant explained, “When you see the enemy, point the broom at them and say ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Don’t worry, it will work fine.”

So the private and the rest of his squad headed out to the battle field. Shortly after they started marching, the private spotted an enemy. Reluctantly, he put the broom up to his shoulder, aimed down the handle and shouted, “bangity, bangity, bang.” Much to his surprise, the enemy fell over. A few moments later, he spotted another enemy, pointed his broom, and shouted “bangity, bangity, bang.” Again, the enemy fell over.

This, of course energized the soldier so he jumped up, pointed his broom and shouted “bangity, bangity, bang,” “bangity, bangity, bang,” ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Enemies fell all around him.

Off in the distance, he spotted another enemy, raised his broom and shouted “bangity, bangity, bang.” This time, however, the enemy didn’t fall over. As the enemy got closer, the private pointed his broom and shouted even louder, “bangity, bangity, bang.” Still, the enemy didn’t fall and, instead, just kept marching toward the private.

The enemy got within feet of the private and one more time he aimed his broom and screamed, “bangity, bangity, bang.” But the enemy just kept on marching. He walked into the private, knocked him over, stepped on him and kept on walking. And as he went by, the private heard the enemy say, “tankity, tankity, tank, tankity, tankity, tank.”

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Girlfriend with big boobs
description

Girlfriend with big boobs

When I was 13, I wished that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

“““““

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Actor gets job
description

Actor gets job

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. “I’ve got you a job” says his agent.

“That’s great” says the actor, what is it?”

“Well” says his agent “it’s a one-liner”

“That’s okay” replies the actor, “I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything; What’s the line?”

“‘Hark I hear the cannons roar'” says the agent.

“I love it” says the actor “When’s the audition?”

“Wednesday” says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: “Hark I hear the cannons roar”.

“Brilliant” says the director, “you’ve got the job, be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening”.

The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; “Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar”.

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. “Who the hell are you?” asks the bouncer.

“I’m ‘hark I hear the cannons roar'”

“You’re ‘hark I hear the cannons roar’, you’re late, get up to makeup straight away.

So he runs up to make up. “Who the hell are you” asks the makeup girl. “I’m ‘hark I hear the cannons roar'”

“You’re “hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re late, sit down here” and she applies the makeup. “Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on”

So he dashes down to the stage. “Who the hell are you” asks the stage manager.

“I’m ‘hark I hear the cannons roar'”

“You’re ‘hark I hear the cannons roar’, get on there, the curtains about to go up”

So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.

Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!”

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