Bad economy
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Bad economy

This is how bad the economy is:

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can not afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
If the bank returns your check marked ?Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally….

* I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

“””””

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Finds out she is pregnant
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Finds out she is pregnant

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant.

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman’s doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

“What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren – and you tell her she’s pregnant?”

The doctor continues to write his notes and without looking up at his colleague says, “tell me, does she still have the hiccups?”

“””””

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A restaurant has a challenge
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A restaurant has a challenge

A restaurant has a challenge: “We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill”

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there’s people shouting, swearing, pots and pans banging. A few minutes later, the manager comes out with $500 in hand.

“You really got us,” he says, “this is the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread.”

“””””

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Gorgeous blonde at next table
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Gorgeous blonde at next table

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. “Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, ” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink.

They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night.

The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.

“You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No, she replies…. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

“””””

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