invites his kinky fetish club over

A man invites some of his kinky fetish club over for breakfast. They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest penis.”

No one argued with Gerald as everyone at the table had seen (or felt) his penis and it was massive. It didn’t matter what room he was in. He probably had the largest penis in it.

Craig, a 26 year old DJ, casually said, “Well I have massive fists.”

Everyone nodded silently. Craig’s fists were well known and had been in many orifices. He has been known to turn the smallest babbling brook into a vast canyon.

Agnes, a 91 year old retired welder, proudly said, “Well I have the nicest vagina in the room.”

Again, no one argued with Agnes. For one, she was the only woman in the room. And for two, despite being 91, she was in good shape and took care of herself to include vagina exercises.

Tim, a 21 year old nurse, and the host of the gathering, smirked and exclaimed, “Well I have the biggest asshole here!”

Immediately the group started to murmur amongst itself. They had all been sticking things up their butt for many years (especially Agnes) and there was no way the youngest of the group had the biggest asshole.

Craig immediately stepped up to the challenge. He had been working on a party trick for a while now and this seemed like the appropriate time to show it. He went to the fridge and found an 8” carrot. He then took his pants off, laid down on his stomach and flipped the carrot over his shoulder. It flew in a wide ark and immediately disappeared up his butt.

The group gave a golf clap. The showmanship was impressive but it didn’t answer the question at hand.

Gerald decided it was his time to shine. He went to the pantry and found a potato. He then placed the potato on the counter, took his pants off and sat on the potato. Just to show he didn’t damage the potato he took it out and showed the group. It looked exactly like it had before it had gone in (maybe a little browner).

The group was slightly more impressed by this. Butt stuff was Gerald’s thing though, so it was expected he’d have something to offer.

Now it was time for Agnes to show all these young amateurs what was up. She went into the garage and found a 2 foot long, 2 inch thick wooden dowel. She lifted up her dress and balanced on top of the dowel. She then took a deep breathe and dropped to the floor. When she stood back up the dowel was gone.

This was truly impressive, but to be fair, this is a \*largest\* asshole contest, not a \*longest\* asshole contest.

Still smirking, Tim walked into the kitchen and turned on his espresso machine. He steamed the milk and whipped it. He poured in the espresso and added a swirl of caramel and just a touch of cinnamon. He put a doily on a saucer and plated his drink. He casually walked over to the table and placed his drink onto it.

Just as he did a giant fat tabby cat came barreling into the room, sliding around on the floor, and slamming into walls as he turned corners. He jump onto the table and immediately swatted the drink off. The cup and saucer shattered and there was liquid everywhere. The cat then peed on the table and tried to scratch Tim.

Agnes, Gerald, and Craig immediately realized the misunderstanding that has happened. An embarrassing quiet fell over the room.

Gerald finally broke the silence, “So your cat is the biggest asshole.” Then he thinks for a second and goes, “Does he hate all coffee or just the fancy stuff?”

Tim looks a little confused and says, “It’s just the fancy stuff. But the cat’s not the biggest asshole. The coffee is just how I get him into the room.”

Tim then shoves the cat up his ass.


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On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?” “I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?”

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.” The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?” From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”


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Elderly couple at a fast food restaurant

An elderly couple go to their local fast food restaurant. The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. He unwrapped the hamburger and cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. They were probably thinking that the elderly couple were poor, and could only afford one meal.

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man turned the offer down, saying they were just fine, and that they were used to sharing everything.

People noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said “No, thank you, Sir, we are used to sharing everything.”

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked “What is it you are waiting for?”

She responded: “The teeth.”


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2 college students

2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other puts his ear to the door to listen. The professor begins asking the question:

“You are riding in a train cart and you get too hot. What do you do?”

The student replies “I open the window.”

“Ok. Now that window is 2 feet wide and 3 feet high. The train is traveling 50 mph going north and the wind is blowing at 15 mph due east. How long will it take for new air to replace the old air in the cart?”

The student is clearly confused at this impossible question and just answers “I don’t know”. So the professor gives him an F, dismisses him, and calls in his friend.

He begins asking his friend “you are riding in a train cart and it gets too hot. What do you do?

He says “I take my jacket off.”

“Ok. But its still too hot. What do you do?”

“I take my shirt off.”

“I understand but its very, very hot.”

“I will just get naked.”

“Ok. But there’s a guy in front of you getting a hard on by watching you strip naked!”

The student replies: “Professor, the entire train can fuck me in the ass I am NOT opening that window!”


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