Joke of the Day – Rules
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Joke of the Day – Rules

RULES OF THE AIRWAYS

Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

Everyone knows a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. But a ‘great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain…. but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying, and about flying when he’s with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Gravity SUCKS!!

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Joke of the Day – brunette jokes
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Joke of the Day – brunette jokes

Q. What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. What’s a brunette’s mating call?
A. “Has the blonde left yet? ”

Q. Why didn’t Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo’s butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
A. Fisher-Price

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their moustache.

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Joke of the Day – Bus Ride Fun
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Joke of the Day – Bus Ride Fun

When someone asks you what your favorite mode of transit is, it most likely isn’t taking the bus! However, if you are stuck on a long bus ride, we are pleased to provide you with a list of things to do to pass away the time…

1. Eat nothing but gas inducing foods the entire trip, not hesitating to ‘share the wealth?with everyone on board. Recommended foods are chilli, burritos, McDonalds, any eggs, Kentuky Fried Chicken (stay near the toilet if you want the KFC…)
2. Repeat #1, only engage in a ‘cuppy war?with the bus driver. (For those that do not know what a ‘cuppy?is, it involves making a cup with your hand, farting in it and slipping it directly into the face of some unsuspecting friend.)

3. Every time the bus wobbles from the wind caused by passing transports, jump up and scream “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!?/font>

4. Incessantly complain that it is way too cold in the bus, no matter what the temperature is, keep doing it until the bus driver turns the heat up to full blast just to shut you up, then wait a few minutes for it to get really hot and start to complain about it.

5. Two words: Water Pistol

6. Two more words: Paper Airplanes

7. Make racing car noises constantly, occasionally announcing your progress along the ‘racetrack?in an announcer voice. When anyone comes up to you and asks what the fuck you are doing, look at them funny and ask how they got in your NASCAR.

8. Eat nothing but really noisy foods, such as bags of chips, nachos, tacos, individually wrapped candies and unwrap them as loudly as possible. Also eat them noisily, chewing with your mouth open and making the loudest possible slopping noises.

9. Purchase a megaphone, ‘nuff said.

10. Engage in some hot, wild sex at the back of the bus with one or more passengers.

11. Sit at the back of the bus, turning off all the lights around you and keeping the blinds down, keep a black briefcase on your lap at all times, wear a black trench coat and a black hat, look really nervous, don’t talk to anybody and keep glancing at your watch.

12. Walk up and down the aisle, claiming out loud that you are Jesus and blessing everyone with a half-eaten leg of Kentucky Fired Chicken.

13. When the bus is driving all alone on a long stretch of highway, preferably completely devoid of life of any sort, suddenly jump up and start running up and down the aisle, flailing your arms and screaming as loud and you can….

14. Then after 30 seconds or so, sit down at your seat and act like nothing happened.

15. When the bus stops for a food break, instead of following the other passengers to a restaurant, sit outside in front of the big picture window on the ground with a struggling burlap sack. Open the sack and remove some small, live animal (cat, squirrel, rat, pigeon, etc) and eat it like a feral dog would, in the view of everyone else. Make lots of growling noises, snarl and snap at people who get too close.

16. Use the bathroom often, for disturbingly long periods of time. Make lots of grunting and straining noises, loud enough for everyone to hear. Occasionally drop an orange into the bowl from a good height.

17. When in the bathroom, wait for the bus to hit a huge pothole or bump, then scream for help, claiming you are now shitting on your head.

18. Get on the bus first, pick the seat right behind the bus driver, as everyone gets on, greet each one of them with a hug and a kiss.

19. At night when everyone is sleepy and unsuspecting, suddenly start barking as loud as possible, feel free to use megaphone.

20. Play with knives, just like Bishop on Aliens!

21. Clean a .357 Magnum, if that doesn’t get peoples attention, cleaning the rest of your on board hand collection will.

22. When someone is in the toilet, bang on the door and yell at them to get out as quickly as possible. Then just as they open the door, put a strained look on your face and say “Never mind…?then drive the point home by farting.

23. Musical chairs, using your 200 watt boom box.

24. Come onto the bus with a beanie on, sit down and put your walkman headphone buds up your nose. When the person sitting beside you looks at you like you are from mars, say “Mishap during an operation, Doctors just aren’t the same these days.”

25. When sitting down in your seat, pull out a small collection of vomit bags, look through them and ask the person beside you “If I run, out do you have any paper or plastic bags? I’m not picky, either would be fine…”

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Joke of the Day – brunettes
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Joke of the Day – brunettes

Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What is dumber than a brunette building a fire under the water?
A: A blonde trying to put it out.

Q: What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A: A hostage

Q:What is brown, black and blue was found lying in a ditch?
A: The last brunette that told a blonde joke in front of a blonde.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q. What’s black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.

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