Joke of the Day: Head Green-keeper

The head green-keeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

‘Haw’, he shouted, ‘Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it’s got coo’s pish in it!’

The golfer looked up and replied, ‘I’m sorry old chap, I’m English and I’m afraid I couldn’t understand a word you were saying’

The green-keeper shouted back, ‘I said, use both hands, you’ll get more in!’

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Joke of the Day: Dude in hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell!

Satan: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don’t worry about getting a hangover because you’re dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow… that’s awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Well on Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt… you’re dead anyhow. Do you do drugs??

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…

Satan: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No…

Satan: Ooooh You’re gonna hate Fridays.


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Joke of the Day: 40th birthday for turtles

Four turtles were celebrating their 40th birthday together, when they ran out of ice cream. They decided the oldest one, Fred, should go to the store and get more.

The rest of them waited for Fred to come back, but after a couple of days they started getting frustrated. The youngest one said, “Poor Fred. Ever since he turned 40 years old he is really getting slow.”

A voice from behind the door said, “If you’re gonna start saying bad things about me behind my back, I’m not even going.”


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Joke of the Day: Two guys at a bar

Two guys are walking their dogs down the street. One has a golden retriever the other a Chihuahua. As they are going along the one with the retriever sees a bar. He turns to his friend and suggests they go in for a quick drink. His friend says “That would be great but see the sign, no dogs allowed”. The guy turns to him and says “Don’t worry, just do what I do”. So the guy puts on some sunglasses and goes into the bar with his retriever. The tender turns to him and says “Hey! No dogs allowed”. The guy quickly retorts “Oh no, this is my seeing eye dog”. The bartender says ok and lets him sit.

His friend thinks about it and figures, why not. He puts on some sunglasses and walks in. The tender quickly turns and yells, “Hey! No dogs allowed in the bar!”

The friend quickly replies “No, you don’t understand. This is my seeing eye dog!”

The bartender replies skeptically “A Chihuahua is your seeing eye dog?”


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