Joke of the Day: Dating Pick-Up Lines

I fell down and bumped my head when you walked in the room so I need your name and number for insurance purposes.

Hey baby, did you just break wind? Cause you’re blowing me away.

Did you get those jeans on sale? Cause at my house they’re 100% off.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.

Do you have a map? Cause I just got lost in your eyes.

If your left leg is Halloween, and your right leg is Christmas, CAN I COME IN BETWEEN HOLIDAYS?

My love for you is like diarrhea, i just can’t hold it in.

Nice legs…what time do they open?

Hey. Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you

Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.

What has 42 teeth and is strong enough to hold the incredible hulk? My zipper.

Well here I am. What are your other two wishes?

I wish you were my homework so I could do you on the table.

I’m blind. Can you hold my stick and show me where to go?

Excuse me miss, the word of the day is legs. Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.

Let’s do math. Add a bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply.

You’ve been a very naughty girl. Now let’s go to my room.

I would buy you a drink but I’d be jealous of the glass.

Are you an Advil. Cause I’d like to take you every 2-4 hours.

If I had a nickel for everytime I saw someone beautiful as you, I’d have 5 cents.

Hey you look familiar. Have I seen you in my bed before?

Can I write your name on my forehead just in case I forget who’s name I’ll be screaming tonight and for the rest of the week?

Are you a graveyard? Because I’m dead inside and want to bury myself in you.


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Joke of the Day: Getting married in heaven?

A young couple, on their way to the church to get married, die in a car crash… At the pearly gates they are greeted by Archangel Michael and they immediately ask:

Tell us, Michael, is it possible to get married in heaven? Archangel, responds, puzzled: – Hang on a minute, nobody asked this before, let me go and find out. After he leaves the young couple starts to ponder what will happen if don’t get along and eventually want to get divorced?

They patiently wait for Archangel’s return and finally, after three months, he arrives with a smile on his face: – Great news you two! I found out that yes, you can get married in heaven! So the young couple says: – Listen, Michael, we were wondering, what if we stop loving each other and want to get a divorce in the future, is that possible? Can you find out?

Archangel turns around reluctantly and heads back towards the gates, grumbling to himself:

It took me three months to find a priest in heaven… now they want me to go and find a lawyer?!


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Joke of the Day: Sea Captain

A young sailor is walking the docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain “How did you get your peg leg?” The captain replies “Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me boat. In the water a shark bit off me leg.” The sailor then asks “How did you get the hook?” To which the captain replies “I was in a fierce sword fight with another bucanneer and the bastard cut off me hand.” “Wow you are brave sea aged captain, but how did you get the eyepatch?” “Arrrgh a damned seagull pooped in me eye.” “Why didn’t you wipe it out?” “Twas me first day with the hook.”


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Joke of the Day: God is walking on Earth

One day God is walking on Earth and a man approaches him.

Man: “Hey God, isn’t 1 million years like a second to you?”

God: “Hm, that’s pretty accurate. 1 million years is like a second to me”

Man: “Then 1 million dollars would be like… a penny to you, wouldn’t it?”

God: “Yes, a million dollars would be like a penny to me.”

Man: “Can I have a penny as it means to you?”

God: “Sure. Just a sec.”

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