Daughters
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Daughters

A woman is walking home with her daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, “Mummy, how did I get my name?”

“Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Rose.”

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

“Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that’s why we named you Lily.”

The third girl asks “HHJKJKJJG?!?!?! DDDNIDDDYYNGHHH!!!”

“Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock.”

“””””

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Drunk guy in Alaska
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Drunk guy in Alaska

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing.

He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, “You will find no fish there.”

The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.

The voice booms again, “You will find no fish under the ice.”

The drunk looks up and says, “God, is that you?”

The voice says, “No, I’m the manager of this ice rink.”

“””””

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The Pirate
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The Pirate

A man rescues a “pirate” from a deserted island.

After inviting the apparent pirate onto his boat, he asks whether it is harder to plunder ships with a wooden leg, hook for a hand, and eye patch.

The man promptly replies “actually, I’m not a pirate.”
“Oh really? Then what’s with the wooden leg?”

“I was trying to swim out of the island. A shark bit my leg off and I had to replace it with this plank of wood.”

“Well, what about the hand?”

“While foraging for food in the island, a snake bit my hand and I had to cut it off, then replaced it with this hook.”

“Okay. But what about the eye patch?”

“That’s from seagull poop.”

“Wait, seagull poop makes you blind?”

“No, it was just my first day with the hook.”

“””””

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A gay couple
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A gay couple

A gay couple, was feeling hot n bothered on a plane and so decided to join the mile high club.

“What if we had sex?” asks Kyle.

“Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…”

“Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!”

Kyle stands up and asks loudly:

“Could I have a napkin, please?”

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don’t give a damn.

“They really wouldn’t care then, would they?” says Jay.

So Kyle and Jay have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

“Sir, you should’ve asked for a bag!”

“I didn’t dare” whispers the old man. “A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass.

“””””

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