There’s these three guys, and they’re sitting around a table. The first guy says “You know what, I’m fast. I think I’m so fast, I might be the fastest guy in the world” So his buddies time him, take a picture, and send it to the Guinness book of world records.

The second guy says “You know what, I’m tall. I think I’m so tall, I might be the tallest guy in the world” So his buddies measure him, take a picture, and send it to the Guinness book of world records.
The third guy says “You know what, I got a small penis. I think it’s so small, it might be the smallest in the world” So his buddies get a ruler, measure it, take a picture, and send it to the Guinness book of world records.

They’re sitting around a few weeks later, and the results come back. The first guy opens his letter and shouts “I DID IT! I’m the fastest guy in the world!” The second guy opens his and shouts “I DID IT! I’m the tallest guy in the world!” The third guy opens his letter and shouts angrily “WHO THE FUCK IS (insert your mates name here)!!!”

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A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.

She is furious, threatens to kill them both… the husband says:

– Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit some relatives, but isn’t sure about their address. So, I took her home so she could check our phonebook.

– Once there, I saw her dress is pretty ragged, so I decided to give her your old dress. Nearly two years that it’s been hanging in the closet, and you never wore it.

– Then, I saw her shoes are also about to fall apart, so I gave her your old shoes, which have been doing nothing but collecting dust for three years. Of course, she said thanks, and then asked:
“Excuse me sir, but is there anything else in this house your wife never uses?”

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A billionaire hires a painter of murals to come to his mansion when he gets there, he calls the painter in into a large room and shows him a plain white wall that’s 20 feet high and 50 feet across. He says to the guy, “I’ve always been fascinated by General Custer so on this wall I want you paint your interpretation of Custer’s last stand. I’m going out of town for a few months and when I come back, I would like it to be finished.”

The painter agrees and the billionaire leaves town. He comes back after a few months and anxiously goes to look at the painting. What he sees shocks him. In the middle of it, there is a cow with a halo in his head. All around the cow are Native Americans engaged in every conceivable sex act you could think of.
Enraged, he calls the painter to the room and yells at him, “What is this pornographic filth?! I wanted art, not pornography!”

Calmly the painter asks, “You wanted my interpretation of Custer’s last stand, right?” The billionaire agrees and the painter says, “Well, there you go. I call it “Holy Cow, Look at All Those Fucking Indians.”

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A Husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 10 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

Soon, the bus arrives, but it is overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”

The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut up.”

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