Farmer at neighbor’s house
description

Farmer at neighbor’s house

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied.

“Well, how about your brother Justin?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said.

The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says

“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”

“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Justin getting my daughter pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment then said

“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Justin.”

“““““

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods
description

A rabbit is hopping through the woods

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, “Giraffe, don’t smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest.”

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, “Mr sheep, don’t do heroin. Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest.”

The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, “Mr tiger, don’t drink beer. Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest.”
The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit, and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw, and starts mauling the shit out of this rabbit!
The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they say, “Dude, what the fuck? He was just trying to help you!”

The tiger turns to them and say, “Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!”

“““““

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On a golf tour in Ireland
description

On a golf tour in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

“““““

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Jim comes back as a chicken
description

Jim comes back as a chicken

Jim came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, “You died in your sleep, Jim.” Jim was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken.”

Jim was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past, “So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad.” replied Jim the hen. “But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”

“You’re ovulating.” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?!”

“Never!” said Jim.

“Well, just relax and let it happen.” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”

Jim did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Jim was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “Jim!! Wake up!! You’ve shit the bed!”

“““““

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