I called my girlfriend earlier today, but all my calls went straight to voicemail. So, I decided to call her from a coworker’s phone.

When someone picked up, I heard a sweet little voice say, “Hello?”

It was my girlfriend’s daughter.

I said, “Hey, honey! I’m at work. What are you and Mommy up to?”

She goes, “Well, I just ate a sandwich, and Mommy’s upstairs with Uncle Eddie.”

I paused. “Uncle Eddie? We don’t have an Uncle Eddie.”

She confidently replied, “Yes, we do! Uncle Eddie is upstairs with Mommy in the bedroom.”

At this point, my alarm bells were going off. Something was fishy.

So, I calmly asked, “Hey sweetheart, can you leave the phone downstairs, go upstairs, and tell Mommy that Daddy just pulled into the driveway?”

I heard little footsteps running upstairs. About 65 seconds later, she picked the phone back up.

I asked, “What happened?”

She said, “Mommy ran downstairs naked, but she slipped and fell. She’s not moving.”

I was like, “Oh, shoot… okay. What about Uncle Eddie?”

She replied, “Uncle Eddie jumped out of the window, but he barely missed the pool. He’s not moving either.”
And that’s when I realized…

We just lost two people today.

And I don’t have a pool.

So, I hung up the phone… because that was the wrong number.

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A group of nuns is visiting the zoo. They are outside the gorilla enclosure when one of the gorillas breaks out, grabs one of the nuns, takes her back inside, and proceeds to have his way with her for several hours until they are able to get her back.

A few weeks later, back at the convent, she is approached by one of the other nuns who says, “How are you doing? I know it must be horrible.” And the nun replies, “It is. He never calls, he never writes . ..”

“””””

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A married couple are sitting in bed looking at their phones when the husband stumbles upon an article about the sex lives of married couples and those in long term relationships. He reads about how, after a certain period of time, couples can fall into bad habits and patterns, primarily of which is a lack of communication – especially when making love.

“Honey,” he begins. “This article I’m reading says that sometimes that couples can enter stages of not sharing what they feel during sex. Sometimes with women not telling their partners they’ve climaxed for whatever reason. Honey, you’ll tell me the next time you have an orgasm, won’t you?”

The wife looks up from her phone and gives her husband a loving smile. “I would,” she says. “But you know I don’t like bothering you at work.”

“””””

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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?” Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”

God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally, he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”

“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some keywords, And waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!”
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