A cop was hidden in his patrol car behind some bushes at the end of a bridge writing people speeding tickets all day.

He pulls over a man going just over the limit.

The cops asks the man for his driver’s license and what his occupation is.

The man answers, “Here you go sir. I’m actually an asshole stretcher.”

Puzzled, the cop asks, “What is an asshole stretcher?”

The man tells him, “I work in a big factory. You start with a little asshole and you stretch it out with your fingers until it gets to be about 6 feet tall.”

The cop asks, “And just what do you do with a 6 foot tall asshole?”

The man says, “Well you give him a little radar gun and stick him in a patrol car at the end of a bridge.”

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A student thinks it will be fun and interesting to take a class in ornithology to meet his science requirement. Well, it’s not. There are mountains of homework and he finds himself studying for hours every week trying to prepare for classes.

The final exam determines whether he passes the class, so he spends days studying and reviewing material. He arrives at the exam to find a single question: identify 50 birds by their feet alone. Well, in all his studying, he did not study the feet of birds. Completely dejected, he takes the blank exam and places it on the professor’s desk and heads for the doorway when the professor calls, “Wait! There’s no name on this paper. Who are you?” The student calmly takes off his shoe, sock, waves his foot at the professor and says, “YOU TELL ME!”

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A large university class is taking the final exam. About 300 students are writing away in their blue books and the professor warns two minutes til pencils down. Then one minute. Then he calls out that the exam is over, please stop writing.

As the body of students slowly lines up to turn in their exams, one student keeps writing. The professor sternly says if you do not stop writing now, I will not accept you exam. The student keeps writing. The en professor says again the exam is over. The student keeps writing, but the professor has give up at this point.

Finally, at the back of the line, the student comes to turn in his blue book. The professor says, I’m sorry, I gave you multiple warnings, you wrote for several minutes past the end, I’m not going to accept your exam.
The student says, indignant, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

The, now shocked, professor says, “No, I don’t.”

And with that, the student lifts up half of the exams, shoves his into the middle of the pile, and walks out.

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A man and woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, the man in the upper berth and the woman in the lower one.

At 1:00 am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied, “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow, that’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

“””””

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