Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until

I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here’s the joke I told:

“What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw your laundry in.”

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously, I felt mortified as I didn’t know about it, and said “I’m so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?”

“No,” replied the guy. “He choked on a sock.”

“””””

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A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

“I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady: “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed: “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: “Oh Well now That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

“””””

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The husband leans over and asks his wife “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

“””””

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An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can’t be cured, you’d best put your affairs in order.”

O’Malley was shocked and saddened; but of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O’Malley said, “Well son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O’Malley’s son whispered his confusion.

“Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

O’Malley said, ” I don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

“””””

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