“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. “Screw you” she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn’t my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
“Bob, I’m sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home. I can’t live with the guilt any longer. I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology. It won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: “Really should use spell check! That should be “wifi”.”
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So I went to a mixed religion seminar.
The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”
I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
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Taking a wee break from the golf course, Rory McIlroy drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is… “Top o’ the mornin to ya” As Rory gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
“What are those things, laddie?” asks the attendant. “They’re called tees,” replies Rory. “And what would ya be usin ’em for, now?” inquires the Irishman. “Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive,” replies Rory. “Aw, Jaysus, Maryan’ Joseph!” exclaims the Irish attendant. “Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything…”
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