Lesson in Morals
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Lesson in Morals

One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Little Lucy went next. “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.”

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

Next up was little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

“Well,” Johnny replied, “Don’t fuck with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”

——-

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McLaren P1 LM
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McLaren P1 LM

An investor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand McLaren P1 LM.

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $3.7 million

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The investor replies, “A McLaren P1 LM. It cost $3.7 million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!” states the investor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the investor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the investor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 20 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be….and suddenly……

WHHHOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my McLaren?” the investor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the McLaren up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his McLaren, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 200 mph.

WHOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the McLaren all the way up to 220 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The McLaren is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his McLaren, demolishing the rear end.

The investor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
“““““

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Americans and Russians
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Americans and Russians

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

“When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. “When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.

‘We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.” “That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.’

“““““

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Feather tickle fetish
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Feather tickle fetish

Two strangers, and Englishman and a Scotsman, are sitting at a bar chatting. They’ve both had a few drinks, so the conversation gets a bit more personal. It turns out they both have the same strange fetish—tickling a woman’s ass with a feather. The Scotsman says, “Aye, ah luv it, but ah can never find anyone teh do it with.”

The Englishman says, “Oh it’s simple. You simply ask every attractive woman you see, ‘Can I tickle your ass with this feather?’ and if she is offended, you claim to have said, ‘How about the weather?’ Works every time.”

“That’s bloody brilliant!” says the Scotsman. “Ahd love teh try it. Have ye got a feather on ye?”

“Of course. I always keep a feather on hand. Give it a go.”

The Scotsman takes the feather and walks up to an attractive woman he’s had his eye on across the bar. He nervously approaches her and says, “Can ah stick this feather up yer arse?”

The woman spits her drink out. “What did you say??”

“It’s fuckin’ rainin!”

“““““

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