Soldier sitting at the bar

A woman entered a pub and saw a haggard looking soldier sitting at the bar.

She approached him and asked if everything was all right.

The soldier said, “I haven’t had sex since 2014.”

The woman replied, “Wow that’s a long time. How about I get your tab and you come back to my hotel?”

They went to her hotel room and made passionate love for a solid two hours.

“Wow!”, said the soldier. “That’s the best sex I’ve had all night!”

The woman went, “Wait a minute. You told me you hadn’t had sex since 2014.”

The soldier replied, “Yes, ma’am. That’s true. Now it’s 2355!”


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Trained Frog

The frog which was trained to eat pussy.

A man walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder and sits next to a woman.

The woman is intrigued and asks him about the frog.

Man: “This is my trained frog. He will eat pussy on command”.

Woman: “No, I don’t believe you”.

Man: “Really, it’s quite amazing”.

Woman: “I still don’t believe you”.

Man: “If you don’t believe me, see it for yourself”.

Woman: “Alright, I’ve got to see this”.

They go back to her apartment. The woman takes off her clothes and lies on the bed.

The man takes the frog and places it on the bed between her legs and commands the frog.

Man: “Frog. Eat pussy”.

Nothing happens.

The man tells the frog with more emphasis.

Man: “Frog. Eat pussy”!

Still nothing.

The man sighs and exclaims “Ok, fine. I’ll show you ONE MORE TIME”.


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A Catholic priest is fishing

A Catholic priest is fishing with one of his flock, an avid fisherman, and catches a whopper of a fish. The parishioner, forgetting himself for a moment, exclaims, “Look at the size of that Fucker!”

The priest responds sternly and so the parishioner, quick-thinking as he his, explains, “Oh … no Father, that’s the name of the fish!” The priest is surprised, but knowing his flock wouldn’t lie to him, he happily carries on.

That afternoon, he returns to the church, hands a nun a fish and asks, “Sister, can you clean and cook this Fucker?”

“Father!”, she gasps, but the priest responds with a chuckle, “No Sister, that’s the name of the fish.” The nun is surprised, but knowing the priest wouldn’t lie, she happily carries on.

That evening, the Pope has come for dinner at the small church with the priest and the nun. They’re enjoying the meal, and the Pope remarks, “This fish is delicious!”

The priest proudly responds, “I caught the Fucker!” The nun adds, “I cleaned and cooked the Fucker!”
The Pope is slightly taken aback but regains himself, looks at the priest and the nun, then grins, “You know something? … you fuckers are alright!”


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Vow of celibacy

A young couple felt they were having sex too often, so they visited Father O’Reilly for some counseling.

The priest recommended they take a vow to not have sex for a year, and the couple reluctantly agreed.
Eleven months later, the couple visited Father O’Reilly again.

“Father,” said the wife, “you need to throw us out of the church. We broke our vow of celibacy.”
“What happened?” asked the priest.

“Well,” explained the husband, “my wife dropped a dime on the floor. When she bent down to pick it up, I saw a tiny part of her butt cheek. It turned me on so much that I couldn’t stand it any longer. I threw her on the floor and had sex with her right then and there.”

“Oh, I see.” Said the priest. “You did break your vow a month early. But you are a married couple and you were celibate a long time. Why do you think I should throw you out of the church?”

“I don’t know,” replied the wife, “but they threw us out of Walmart.”


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