Husband is not in bed
description

Husband is not in bed

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. ‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night? The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’. She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?’ ‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him. The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?’ ‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”

“””””

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Same sleeping room on a train
description

Same sleeping room on a train

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,…….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“Good”, she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence…..he farted.

“””””

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Half a head of lettuce
description

Half a head of lettuce

A man asks a young grocer if he can purchase a half a head of lettuce. The boy says “hold on one second and I’ll check with my manager.”

The grocer walks to his office and says “So this tight ass wants to know if he can buy a half a head of lettuce….” Not knowing the man had followed him and was standing right there. The grocer quickly embraces the man and says “…and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half”! The manager agreed the deal and and the man left.

Manager “You’re quick on your feet there! I could use someone like you as a lead. Where are you from son?”

Grocer “I’m originally from Winepeg. Nothing up there expect whores and hockey players.”

Manager “Excuse me. My wife is from Winepeg!”

Grocer “No shit, what team did she play for?”

“””””

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Two prostitutes were riding around town
description

Two prostitutes were riding around town

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00.” A policeman stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, “JESUS SAVES.” One of the girls asked the cop, “Why don’t you stop them?” Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.” The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: “TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00.”

“””””

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