Dugly has been eyeing this girl at school for months now, infatuate with her perfect big butt. There’s a big dance coming up. He knows she doesn’t have a date, and he would give anything to go with her- but there’s a problem. Whenever he gets close to her, he gets an erection.

He thinks he has a solution: just call her! He calls her, and stutters a bit on the phone, but she finds his stammering cute and accepts his proposal. “Pick me up at seven,” she says. “Oh joyous day!” says Dugly. His joy is short-lived, however, because he realizes that he has only delayed the inevitable. How can he conceal his boner? He tries a number of solutions, including willpower, distractions, baggy pants– nothing works.

Finally, he decides to just tie it to his leg. Feeling confident, he heads off to her house. He’s all dressed up, he brought her flowers, his car is cleaned, everything is in order. He walks up to the door and rings the bell. She opens the door. He kicks her in the face.

“””””

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A Pagan died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. “You can’t come in here,” St. Peter said.

The Pagan asked why…

“You’re Pagan … I’m sorry”, St. Peter replied. “But Hell isn’t so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it’s good.”

The Pagan was depressed, but went anyway just because he was, well – Pagan…When he arrives in Hell, he sees a beautiful green field with amusement rides, and people picnicking and having a great time…A man in a white suit comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and then tells him of all the delights to be had in what appears to be a 5-star resort…

“Woww!” thinks the Pagan, “Hell isn’t so bad! I’m happy to be here.”

Suddenly, the sky gets black …and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed up by a crack in the earth…After he disappears, everything returns to how it was again…

“What in Hell was that?” the Pagan asks Satan…

Satan replies, “That was a Christian. They wouldn’t have Hell any other way!”

“””””

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A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady : “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied : “Oh Well now That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

“””””

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After watching the Tour de France for several years running, a guy decides that he’s going to get into cycling.

So he buys himself a brand new road bike, and sets out for his first long ride. He’s pretty fit, and takes a long route over several hills. But on his way back, he finds that he’s just too tired to continue, and just can’t make it back up over those hills.

He decides to try to catch a ride back, but traffic is light, and nobody stops. Finally a guy in a Porsche pulls over and agrees to give him a ride. Despite his good intentions, the driver soon discovers that the bike doesn’t fit in his car. “I have an idea,” he says. “I have a rope in the back of my car, so I’ll tie one end to my back bumper, and the other end to your bike. If I’m going too fast, just ring the bell on your bike, and I’ll slow down.”

Off they go, and everything goes fine for the first 20 miles or so. Our friend driving the Porsche regularly checks his mirrors to make sure that our cyclist is doing okay, but all is well, so the driver puts on some music, and starts to relax.

He’s just enjoying the scenery, tapping his hands to the music, when a Corvette blows by him at over 80 miles an hour. Completely forgetting the cyclist he is towing, the Porsche driver instantly puts his foot on the gas to give chase, quickly accelerating to over 90 miles an hour.

Down the road a police officer has set up a speed trap, and is clocking traffic with a speed gun. In complete disbelief, he phones in to his superior back at the station. “You’re not going to believe this, but I just clocked a Corvette and Porsche speeding through a 40 zone at over 90 miles an hour,” he says. “And that’s not even the amazing part. Right behind them there’s an incredible guy on a bike, ringing his bell, trying to pass!”

“””””

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