On the golf course

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned “go on” says the priest. “I swore the other day” says the man. “continue” says the priest. “I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway.”

“And this is when you swore?” asked the priest. “No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough” continued the man.

“This must have been when you swore?” the priest exclaimed. “No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it” continued the man.

“Ahhh I see” says the priest, “this must have been the point where you swore.” “Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole.”

The priest pauses for a few seconds.

“You missed the fucking putt didn’t you?”


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Charity and Lawyer

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community?.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, ‘Uh… No, I didn’t know that.’

‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, ‘So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?

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Albert Einstein

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”

The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”


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Deaf book keeper

A mafia boss had a deaf book keeper, hired because he would never overhear anything. One day the boss discovered that his trusty book keeper had been stealing from him for the better part of 30 years, totaling upwards of $18 million. He went to confront the book keeper about his missing money, taking along his personal lawyer, who happened to be fluent in in American Sign Language.

The mob boss barked at his lawyer, “Ask him where my money is!”

“Where’s the money?” the lawyer signed.

The deaf book keeper signed back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“He says he doesn’t know what your talking about,” said the lawyer.

At that the mafioso took out a pistol. “Tell him I’ll kill him if he doesn’t come clean quick,” he said.

The lawyer signed to the book keeper, “He says he’ll kill you if you don’t tell him right now.”

Trembling, the deaf book keeper signed back, “Okay! The money is in a black suitcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Gino’s house.”

“What did he say?” the mob boss asked the lawyer.

“He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”


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