Adam talks to God
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Adam talks to God

Before there were Adam & Eve there was just Adam.

Adam: God I’m lonely here in the garden. You gave me this place and it’s beautiful. I appreciate it. I can hang out with the animals and talk to you but I don’t have anything in common with either of you. I want a partner. Is there anything you can do?

God: Oh yeah!!! I can make you a partner that will be all of your wildest dreams come true. This chicks going to be flawless! She’s going to laugh at all of the same things as you. She’s going to be happy all of the time and never Bitch about shit. She’s going to want to do nothing all day but lay around in the shade fucking. She’ll let you do whatever you want with her. And Shes going to be your best friend in the world.

Adam: wow! That sounds incredible. How much will this cost me?

God: oh she’ll cost you a lot! She’s going to be at least an arm and a leg.

Adam: oh shit… well what could I get for a rib?

——-

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Teacher catches him
description

Teacher catches him

The teacher pulls Johnny aside after a test…

“Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests,” she says. “You know I can’t condone cheating.”

Johnny was astounded and asked the teacher to prove it.

“Well,” said the teacher. “I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the student that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.”

“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”

“Well, just wait a minute,” the teacher continued. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”

“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait,” said the teacher. “The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don’t know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.”

“““““

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A cowboy rides in to town
description

A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a deadly calm says, “I’m going to count to three. If I get to three, I’m going to do what I did in the Winter of 76′.” The whole bar freezes in terror at the cowboy.

“ONE”

No one moves a muscle.

“TWO”””

Everyone’s extremely nervous at this point.

“READY OR NOT…. THR–”

All of a sudden someone in the back stands up and says, “Hold on buddy! It was just a joke! your horse is in the back alley!” The cowboy smiles and starts to leave the canteen. The same guy who stood up calls out, “Hey! I just gotta know, what happened in the Winter of ’76???” The cowboy turns around and says to him, “I had to walk home.”

——-

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3-Year-Old Swearing
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3-Year-Old Swearing

“Look at that dumb fuck, Daddy,” said my 3-year-old from his car seat.

“Where?” I asked. There were quite a few around us, he could have been talking about any of them.

“The white one,” he continued.

That narrowed it down. There was only one that fit that description.

“That dumb fuck is dirty,” he said. “Why is that dumb fuck so dirty?”

It was a good question, a question a child might ask, but not a childish question.

“Some are dirtier than others,” I replied. “It comes with the territory.”

We were sitting outside Starbucks waiting for my wife. We were passing the time the way men do, talking about our feelings and cursing a little – some of us more than others.

“Do you like dumb fucks, Daddy?” he asked. It had an added air of the rhetorical.

“I don’t like being too close to them,” I answered. “They are pretty fun to watch, though.”

My wife returned with our coffee and took a seat in the car.

“Mommy, did you see all the dumb fucks?”

I knew that she had.

“Honey,” she said with a straight face. “They’re called dump trucks.”

“Dumb fucks,” he repeated.

“Exactly,” I told him, and we sipped our coffee as he watched the last one rumble past.

——-

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