Joke of the Day: Divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “They’re not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving…now what do we tell them for Christmas?”


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Joke of the Day: Two Fat Women

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?”

“Wales, you idiot!”, shouts the fattest one.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “Are you two whales from Scotland?”


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Joke of the Day: Sandra wants raise

Sandra, a maid, asks her boss for a raise.

Her boss is annoyed and asks, “Now, Sandra, why do you think you deserve a raise?”

Sandra: ‘Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.’

Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’

Sandra: ‘Your husband said so.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’

Sandra: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.’

Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’

Sandra: ‘Your husband did.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’

Sandra: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..’

The wife is obviously upset: ‘Did my husband say that ?’

Sandra: ‘No, Señora, the gardener did.’

Wife: ‘So, how much do you want?’


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Joke of the Day: Getting Married

A man proposes to his girlfriend of one year. She says yes, but has one condition. “I will marry you but I want to get married in Minnesota,” the woman says. “There, you can meet my family and we can have a beautiful ceremony. Only then can we consummate the marriage.” The woman, who is a virgin, says she has no experience with sex and wants her first time to be a memorable one. The man, because she is young and beautiful, obliges, and suggests they leave for Minnesota as soon as possible.

The next day, they got on a bus from New York. The only other passengers were members of a high school hockey team.

After 100 miles on the road, the bus breaks down and everyone has to get off the bus while it is repaired. While the man and woman wait, the man suggests the two go off into the woods and have a little fun since the bus won’t leave for another hour. She is flattered, but says: “I think we should wait,” and so they get back on the bus.

After another hundred miles, the bus breaks down again. Everyone gets off the bus and waits for it to be repaired. Again, the man asks his girlfriend to sneak off while they wait. “How about now?” he asks. “This journey is taking forever and I cannot wait any longer!” Flattered, she insists they wait until they arrive in Minnesota. Everyone soon gets back on the bus.

For a third time, the bus breaks down. The man figures it is not worth bothering his girlfriend a third time. “She might become annoyed and not want to marry me,” he thinks. Suddenly, she takes his hand, brings him into the woods and she experiences her first time.

As they are walking back to the bus, the man cannot help but say: “That was wonderful. You are a skillful lover! But what made you change your mind about having your first time after the wedding?”

The women looks at him and says: “Well, the hockey team said ‘By the time we get to Minnesota, the fucking season would be over.'”

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