A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has toldhim he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, “Honey, please…just one more time before die.”

She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…” At this point the wife sits up and says,”Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”

——-

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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”

“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!”

“““““

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A judge asked a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw.” From out in the audience a man shouted, “Lying bastard!” “Silence in the court!”, the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.” “Tightwad!”, blurted the man again. “Quiet!”, yelled the judge who continued, “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.” “Son of a…” the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, “If you don’t tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!” So the man answered, “I’ve lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!”

“““““

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A bear and a squirrel are walking through their forest community and they stumble upon a magic lamp under the dirt.

Now this magic lamp has been covered in dirt for years and it was glad to be saved, so since the lamp was in such a good mood, he would grant EACH of them three wishes. So he asked who wanted to go first.

Now Bear, being the eager, young creature that he was, went first.

“What do you want for your first wish”? He asked.

Bear replied, i wish, that the hot female bear that lives next to me, was crazy in love with me.

BOOM. it was done.

Sqirrel’s wish was for a helmet.

“A helmet”! Said Bear?!?! “You can get anything and you want a helmet?”

Bear’s next wish was for all the female bears in the forest be really hot and all like him.

BOOM it was done

Squirrel’s second wish was a motercycle. Again bear was dumbfounded but carried on to his third wish.

“Actually, I want every bear in the forest to be female, hot, and really like me” said Bear.

The lamp granted the wish and…

BOOM. it was done

It was Squirrel’s final wish,

“What would you like me to grant you for your final wish” the lamp asked.

After much consideration, Squirrel finaly answered.

“I wish Bear was gay”

And with that, he rode off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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