A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “If I show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?”

The bartender says, “Let me see and I’ll consider it.”

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out “Chopsticks”, the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock and roll.

After a few minutes the bartender says, “Okay, I am impressed. You can drink for free tonight.”

As the bartender is pouring the guy a drink, the guy says, “Hey, if I show you something even more amazing, will you let me drink for free for a month?”

The bartender says, “Okay, but this had better be pretty spectacular.” So the guy reaches into his bag again and pulls out a microphone and a frog. The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano.

The bartender says, “Okay, I’m impressed. You can drink here for free for a month.”

As all of this has been going on, another customer at the end of the bar has been watching. He walks over and says, “I’m a theater producer, and I’d like to buy that frog and put him in a show. Will you sell it to me for $500?” The guy says no. “$1000?”. The guy still refuses. “Okay, will you sell me the frog for $5000?”

So the guy agrees, and gives the producer the frog for $5000. As the producer is leaving, the bartender says to the guy, “I can’t believe you sold the frog! Surely it was worth more than $5000!”

“Not really.” The guy says. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

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Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

“Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn’t have to come to school on monday.” The kids perked up and all listened to what their teacher would say first.

” ‘To be or not to be, that’s the question’ who said this?” The teacher asked.

The little Pham Lam Nguyen on the first row called out “Shakespeare!”

“Good job, you don’t have to come to school on monday.” Said the teacher.

“No thank you, miss. I’m from Vietnam and it’s in our culture to study as hard as we can, so i will be here on monday.” Said the little Pham Lam Nguyen.

“Okay, that’s alright as well.” Said the teacher.

“Who said the phrase ‘I had a dream!'”

The little Fri sum Kat who was seated next to Pham was quick to yell out “I believe it was Martin Luther King!”
“Good job, you don’t have to come to school on monday.” The teacher told her as well.

“No thank you, miss. I’m from China and with us Education means a lot in our raising as well. So I will be here on monday.” Said the little Fri Sum Kat.

“Alright.” Said the teacher, before a voice was heard from the back of the classroom.
“Fucking immigrants!”

The teacher turned to her students and called out “who said that?” In an angry voice.

“Donald Trump!” Jack answered, getting up from his seat. “See you on Tuesday!”

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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by z” and “w” by ” v”.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

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With a very seductive voice a HouseWife asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

The HouseWife gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

The wife then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

The wife gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied….

“Go look in the garage!”

“““““

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