Month: September 2019

A husband and wife were returning from visiting relatives out in the country one cold and wintery night, when they came upon an adolescent skunk that appeared injured in the road.

The wife insisted that they stop and render aid to the skunk.

Against his wishes the husband stops and picks the skunk up and brings it into the car.

The wife exclaims that the skunk is freezing cold and is possibly suffering from hypothermia, to which the husband says “put it up under your dress between your legs to warm it up.”

The wife asks “what about the smell?”

To which the husbands says “just hold its little nose!”

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip. She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe’s land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.
During the woman’s time with him, the king fell hopelessly in love with her, as she was very beautiful. When it came time for her to leave to return to the United States, the king called her into his palace and spoke passionately to her via the interpreter.

“King Paolo begs you to remain here and be his wife. He will grant you any three requests within his power; whatever you ask will be yours.”

Flattered but not desiring to remain in the Amazon forever, the woman decided to ask for impossible favors to avoid having to turn the king down and hurt his feelings. “Tell the king that I accept, but if he cannot fulfill my three requests, I must leave immediately. My first wish is for a 50-carat diamond engagement ring and 25-carat bracelets and necklaces to match.”
When the request was relayed to him, the king nodded without hesitation and responded in primitive English: “Okay, okay! I buy, I buy!”

The woman frowned, not expecting the king to be able to fulfill the ask. She decided to make the next request truly impossible: “My second wish is to live in a home exactly like this one.” She pulled up her phone and displayed a picture of a nine-figure Beverly Hills mansion with three pools, gatehouses, acres of perfectly landscaped property, indoor basketball courts and theatre rooms, the whole nine yards.

When the interpreter explained the request to the king, he waved his hand and nodded eagerly. “Okay, okay, I build! I build!”
He motioned to his nearby advisors, who immediately contacted the finest architects in Brazil to consult on the project. In exchange for several tons of gold, the architects designed an identical residence and brought in several construction companies to begin work immediately. They brought in solar panels and hydroelectric units to power the buildings. Paying triple the usual rate, the king had land cleared and construction completed within days. It was some real Extreme Makeover: Home Edition shit.

Dumbfounded and a bit concerned, as she still had no desire to remain in the rainforest for the rest of her life, the woman went before the king with her final request, determined to come up with something that no amount of money could provide. “Tell the king that the man I marry must have a penis that’s 12 inches long.”

Looking horrified, King Paolo arose from his throne and strode around the room muttering to himself, first angrily and then sadly. He seemed to be thinking desperately, searching for options. But finally, he shook his head sadly, and spoke in a tone of resignation: “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”

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The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, “Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!”

Spring laughs, “Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can’t get much better than that!”

Summer rays, “Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can’t top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?”

Autumn ~ -leaves-

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Teachers Sharing The Funniest Things Their Students Have Ever Said:

1. “One of my pre-kindergarteners was squirming as we lined up for lunch. I asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom, and he said no, but kept squirming. So I asked if he was sure, and he said, ‘I’m OK — it’s just that my penis is so big.’ He had an erection.”

2. “One of my 7th graders asked me where babies come from, and another student replied, ‘Well, when a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much…they get a bottle of scotch and a cheap motel room.”

3. “I teach elementary band, and once we were preparing for a playing test when one student said, ‘Man, I need to practice.’ Without missing a beat, the kid next to him said, ‘My mom says I need Jesus.'”

4. “I work with 2-year-olds, and one day a kid was kicking another kid under the table. The first kid asked him to stop, but the second kid kept kicking him, so finally the first kid said, ‘Stop, Motherfucker!’ My co-teacher and I died trying not to laugh.”
“His dad thought it was hilarious when I told him. He said his kid yells at people in traffic, too!”

5. “I was teaching a lesson on whales in my high school science class, and had just mentioned the sperm whale when a girl asked, ‘Is that why the ocean is so salty?

6. “I was tutoring a kid after school when he asked, ‘What time is it?’ I joked, ‘Time for you to get a watch,’ and he — without a moment’s hesitation — responded, ‘Time for you to get a new joke.’ I had to laugh at getting shown up by a fifth grader.”

7. “One of my students once asked me, ‘If a synchronized swimmer starts drowning, do they all start drowning?’ I lost it in class.”

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