Three elderly women were sitting together on a park bench when an elderly man started to walk by. “Excuse me, but we can guess your age,” one of them said to him.

He stopped, intrigued. “How can you guess my age?” he asked them.

“Well,” one lady explained, “you’ll have to drop your pants and your underwear.”

A little embarrassed but still intrigued, he unzips his pants and drop his trousers and his boxers. “Now turn around,” one says, so he complies, rotating full 360 degrees. “Now jump up and down 3 times.”. He complies. “You’re 87!” all three women exclaim at the same time.

Perplexed and amazed at their correct answer, he gasps, “how could you know that?!”

“Simple,” one says. “We were at your birthday party yesterday.”

“””””

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An adventurer travels through the jungle and is suddenly confronted by an unusual sight: fallen trees and trampled vegetation as if something gigantic has forced its way through. He decides to investigate.

After walking for a few minutes, he sees a dead elephant lying on its side and a pygmy jumping up and down with excitement on top of the fallen elephant. The adventurer inquires as to what is going on.

“The elephant, sir,” explains the pygmy. “The elephant has gone mad. ‘Tis terrible. Elephants are wise and friendly, but when an elephant goes mad, it destroys everything in its path. It cannot be reasoned with, no sir, and it cannot be helped in any way. Unfortunately, when it happens, the elephant has to be put down.”
The adventurer inquires, “But how did you kill such a gigantic animal?”

“I killed it with a club,” helpfully explains the pygmy.

“It must have been a big club,” observes the adventurer.

“Yes, sir, a very big club indeed,” says the pygmy. “We have over 300 members!”
“””””

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A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!” So the man runs into the bathroom.

So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks. “Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you.” “Okay” the man replies “I’ll go get ready.”

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. “Who the f**k are you?” the man asks. “I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.” The husband exclaims, “But you are naked!” The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise. “Those little bastards!”

“””””

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An old lady is travelling down a street holding two bags. As the old lady is walking, out of one of the bags there is a hole and every so often a $20 bill falls out. After a while a police officer sees this and approached the lady to tell her that money is falling out of one of the bags. The old lady, thankful for the kindness of the police man, starts praising him for his good deed as she starts walking back gathering as many bills as she can.

The police officer, whilst helping her out, asks the old lady, “Hold on, where have you gotten all this money from? You didn’t steal it did you?”.

The old lady replies, “no no, of course not. My house is next to the sports stadium and bar, so every day when there is a sports game, after a while in the evening people come and relieve themselves on my flowerbeds, making a mess everywhere. So what i do is i hide behind the flowers with my hedge trimmers and whenever someone comes to piss on the flowers i tell them “give me a $20 or I’ll snip it!’, and thats where i got the money from.”.

The police officer, amused, congratulates the old lady on her idea but asks “so what’s in the other bag then?”,

The old lady replies, “well not everyone pays”.

“””””

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