A man is sitting at the bar, getting really drunk. When suddenly, the bartender announces last call. The man realizes he’s really, really drunk, and he needs to get home. When he tries to get off the bar stool, he realizes that he’s so wasted, he can’t even feel his legs.

So he pushes himself off the stool and drags himself out of the bar on his forearms, army-style. He crawls his way down the street, into his house, and makes it onto his couch, where he passes out. In the morning, his wife wakes him up, screaming. “You son-of-a-bitch, you came home wasted again, didn’t you?!”

“What?! No!” Exclaimed the man. “What makes you say that?”

“You forgot your wheelchair at the bar again!”

“””””

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A housewife tells her husband Dugly that if he doesn’t stop getting wasted, she’ll leave him. He takes her seriously and hasn’t had more than one drink in a day for over a month. But he has a bad day.

He decides to go to a bar and have one drink. He trusts he can stop, and his wife will never know. But of course, one turns into two, which turns into three…and before he knows it, he’s absolutely wasted.
Finally the bartender says, “Dugly, you have to go home. I called you a cab. Maybe your wife won’t notice you’re drunk.”

Dugly agrees and as he’s walking to the door to meet the cab, he throws up all down his shirt.
“Oh no!” says Dugly. “My wife will definitely know now!”

“Don’t worry,” says the bartender. She asks another guy drinking at the bar for a business card. “Here. Put this in your shirt pocket. When you get home and your wife starts yelling, tell her you were headed home after one beer, and being the nice guy you are, was cheering up some poor drunk bastard and he threw up all over your shirt. He gave you his card so you can text him and he’ll pay for your laundry bill.”

“That’s GENIUS! Thanks so much!” Dugly is so happy with the plan and gets in the cab.
True to form, he gets home and immediately his wife starts laying into him.

“Dugly! You good for nothing, lazy, drunk-ass piece of shit! You’re so out of control you threw up all over yourself! What the hell’s the matter with you?! I can’t take it. I’m leaving you!”

“Wait, Sarah, wait!” Dugly pleads. “It’s not what you think. I’m stone cold sober. I was chatting up this poor guy that lost his job today, he’s scared he won’t be able to buy baby formula, his rent is due…he was a mess. I felt bad for him. He got shitfaced real bad. He’s the one the threw up on me!”
“Bullshit,” Sarah says defiantly.

“No! For real! He gave me his card and said he’d pay for to clean my shirt!” Dugly pulls out the card and hands it to Sarah.

“Oh.” Sarah says as the tension and anger drops from her face. “Ok. I’m sorry. I know you’re a good person and I appreciate your honesty.”

“You’re welcome,” says Dugly as he starts walking towards the stairs to go to bed.
“Oh. And just in case you start wondering, the guy also shit in my pants.”

“””””

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A good friend of mine owns a boat. A few days ago I went down to the docks and saw him sitting on the deck of his boat with a huge smile on his face. I asked,” why are you so happy bud?” He replied “today I saw the hottest blonde ever and she wanted to go for a ride on my boat, took her out, shut the engine off and said, we can make love or you can swim back. It was some of the best sex of my life.”

The next day I went to see him again, and he looked even happier. I asked again and he basically told me the same but with a redhead substituted for the blonde.

Today when I went to see him he was crying. When I asked what was wrong he said, “I found the most beautiful brunette I have ever seen and she wanted to go for a ride on my boat. I took her out and killed the engine and told her we can make love or swim back.” I said, “OK, so what was the problem?” and he replied, ” she took off her bikini bottom, had a 10 inch cock and I can’t swim.”

“””””

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As he is bound in the middle of the camp, the chief comes up to him and says “in this land, we grant prisoners of war three days before they are executed. Each day, the prisoner can make one request and we will decide if we honor the request or not. What is your first request?” The cowboy thinks for a minute and asks to speak to his horse. The chief grants his request the cowboy whispers something into his horse’s ear. The horse gallops off and returns a couple hours later with a beautiful blonde on its back. The chief shakes his head muttering, ‘white man.’ He shows them to a teepee and leaves. The next day the chief comes to the cowboy and asks “what is your second request?”

“I’d like to speak with my horse please.”

And so, the horse is shown to the cowboy, who whispers into its ear. The horse leaves, only to return with a curvaceous brunette. Again, the chief let’s them use a teepee. “White man, can only think of one thing” he says. The third day arrives. The chief asks “What is your final request?” The cowboy, visibly frustrated, demands to see his horse again. He grabs the horse’s ear and whispers harshly into it “Now listen here you stupid animal!! Posse!! Posse!!”

“””””

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