A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon the man started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, ” Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? ”

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An American man was vacationing around Britain, visiting all the larger cities.

One night he found himself in a bar in Cardiff, having a few drinks and planning out how to spend the next couple of days of his vacation. But he had forgotten his guidebook. So he looked around to see if anyone could help him out.

There weren’t many people in the bar. But there were two rather heavy women sitting at a table chatting. So he walked up to them, and asked if they had any tips. “Excuse me, do either of you ladies know any good tourist spots here in England?”

The two women looked annoyed at the man, and one of them responded, “It’s Wales you idiot!”

“I’m sorry, do either of you whales know any good tourist spots in England?”

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A doctor and nurse were having an affair, and the nurse got pregnant. Being a little large, and not very bright, she didn’t realize she was pregnant until she was very far along. In a panic she went to the doctor and said, “What should we do?”

The doctor came up with a brilliant plan. A priest was just about to go into surgery for a stomach problem at their hospital, so he rearranged things to have him and the nurse do the operation. He delivered the baby by c-section, took care of the priest’s stomach problem, quietly made arrangements for the nurse to recover at her home … and proclaimed a miracle: the priest hadn’t actually had a stomach problem … he’d been pregnant! He just delivered a healthy baby boy!

Amazingly, everyone believed it, including the priest. He took the boy home from the hospital, and raised it as his own. As the boy grew up, the priest wouldn’t tell him about his origin. Whenever the boy asked, “Who’s my father?” the priest said, “I’ll let you know when you are 16.”

When the boy turned 16, the priest finally told him the story. He told about how he’d gone into the hospital, and the boy had been miraculously born into the world. The boy said, “Wow … so you really are my father!”

The priest said, “Well actually, I’m your mother. The arch-bishop … he’s really your father.”

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A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”

The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don’t have a car.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”

The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?”

“Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me!”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.”

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