A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a Bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I’ve never driven a Bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from….

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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Jim! How ya doing ?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Jim. “Hes on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Jim if he would like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Jim, and says “Hi Jimmy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Jim’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Jim follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Jim.

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A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs. “It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.”

“Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!” “Go on then.” he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, “Well, show me your pocket then.” “What for?” I asked. He said, “The drugs.” I said, “What drugs?”

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An 8 year old goes to a brothel and slaps a $10 dollar bill on the counter and says, “Give me a hooker!”

The madame, looked amused and says, “Get lost kid.”

The kid then slaps a $50 on the counter and says, “Give me a hooker!!”

The madame raises an eyebrow, but before she could say anything the kid slaps a $1,000 bill on table and says, “Give me a hooker with herpes!!!”

The madame, says, “What? Why would you want that?”

The kid says, “Because, I would screw her and get herpes, then I would go home and screw the baby sitter and she would get herpes. When my dad comes home, he’ll screw the baby sitter and he’ll get herpes. Eventually when my dad screws my mom she’ll get herpes and on Wednesday when the pool man comes over she’ll screw him and that’s the MOTHERFUCKER that killed my frog!!!
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