Month: December 2016

Okay, so let me tell you about the idiots I work with. First off, there’s this girl that always follows me around like a puppy. Which isn’t so bad because she’s pretty hot, but man is she dumb. Like, really fucking dumb. She has convinced herself she’s going to be a professional model one day and… well I don’t see it happening. Needless to say, she’s pretty useless at the office.

On the flipside, this other girl couldn’t be more opposite. She’s fugly. Like, hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way down straight-up displeasing. And she has horrible taste too, so it’s not like she even really tries. She’s pretty smart though, and I hate to admit it but we would probably go under if she stopped showing up to work. She’s valuable, but damn do I cringe nearly every time I have to talk to her.

And then there’s this last guy… the stoner. The idiot bakes before work, after work, I’m pretty sure even during work. And to make it worse he brings his dog in with him so we have this bigass Great Dane running around all over the place stoned from the second-hand smoke

Anyway, I drive these fuckers around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

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A boy who loses his eye from an accident goes to the doctor gets a wooden replacement. Of course, he is extremely self-conscious about his new wooden eye and doesn’t make an effort to ask out any of the girls in school.

One day a new girl walks in and he notices she has a prosthetic leg. He figures they can relate to each other and perhaps become friends. They get to know each other and the boy gets to the point where he musters the courage to ask the girl on a date.

The girl is so excited and happy she can hardly believe it. “Would I? WOULD I?”, she exclaims. The boy, crushed by this, screams back, “PEGLEG! PEGLEG!!!”

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A married couple with children made a code word for sex. The code phrase is “Typing a letter”.
So on a Friday movie night, the husband is in the mood and asks his wife around their children, “would you like to type some letters tonight?”. The wife says they’re watching a good movie, maybe tomorrow.

Saturday comes and the husband is now in heat, all day keeps asking to “type”. Finally at night as the kids are tucked in, the wife softly asks, “I’m sorry for making you wait, do you wanna type the letter now, honey?”, to which the husband replies:

“Forget it, it’s been handwritten.”

“““““

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An Italian wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test.. ‘Here’s your first question,’ the foreman said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9’.

‘Without a numbers?’ the Italian says, ‘Datsa easy.’ and he proceeds to draw three trees.

‘What’s this?’ the boss asks.

‘Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,’ says the Italian.

‘Fair enough,’ says the boss. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . ‘Ere you go.’

The boss scratches his head and says, ‘How on earth do you get that to represent 99?’ ‘

Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.’

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, ‘All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.’

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says: ‘Ere you go. One hundred.’

The boss looks at the attempt. ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!’

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, ‘A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whena I start?

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