Bill and Frank are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Frank dies. Bill doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.

Then one day he gets a call. It’s Frank. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Bill asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Bill. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Frank. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’
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Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain.

One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady said, “Hey, that’s a good idea. What’s that called?”

The lady responded, “It’s a condom.”

The other lady said, “Where can I get one of those?”

She said, “Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.”

So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, “I need to get some condoms.”

The cashier looked at her puzzled, because of her age, and said, “Um, what size?”

The lady responded, “Hmmm, one that would fit a Camel.”

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Two oilfield workers from North Dakota were on a trip to South Texas. They went to sign on with a new drilling contractor when they were pulled over by a State Trooper.

The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick.

The roughneck rolled down the window and WHACK – the trooper smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

“What the heck was that for?” the roughneck asked.

“You’re in Texas, ” the trooper answered. “When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.”

The trooper ran a check on the license and the roughneck was clean, so he gave him his license back.

The trooper then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window and the other roughneck rolled down the window and WHACK – the trooper smacked him on the head with the nightstick.

“What’d you do that for?” the roughneck demanded.

“Making your wish come true,” replied the trooper.

“Making WHAT wish come true?” the roughneck asked.

“I know you roughneck types,” The trooper said. “A hundred feet down the road, you would’ve turned to your buddy and said, ‘I wish that SOB would’ve tried that on me!'”

——-

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“A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”

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