A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the police officer.

I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the police officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

“““““

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A guys dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.

“What are all these clocks for” the guy asked. “Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second” St peter says “So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked.” St. peter points behind them and says “It has only ever ticked 3 seconds.”

The guys then asked “where is Abraham Lincolns clock at.” St peters points in front of them and says “it has never ticked a single second.” The guy then asked “where Donald Trumps clock at” st peters say “oh, it is in jesus’s office he is using it as a ceiling fan.”

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A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, “Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

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A cell phone on a bench in the locker room of a gym rang and the man next to it put it on speaker, so everybody could hear.

Everybody immediately stopped talking to listen in on the conversation.

WOMAN – “Hello?”

MAN – “Hello.”

WOMAN – “Hi, honey, are you at the club?”

MAN – “Yes.”

WOMAN – “I’ve been shopping around and found a beautiful leather coat, and it only costs $2000. Can I get it?”

MAN – “If you really like it, sure.”

WOMAN – “I also stopped by the car dealership, and there’s a new model that I really like.”

MAN – “How much is it?”

WOMAN – “$90,000”

MAN – “Sure, get it, but for that price, I want all options.”

WOMAN – “Great, and one last thing.”

MAN – “What is it?”

WOMAN – “I was talking to Sarah a couple hours ago, and the house I really wanted to get two years ago is back on the market now.”

MAN – “How much is it?”

WOMAN – “It’s $980,000.”

MAN – “Alright, offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, another $80,000 is worth it if you really like it.”

WOMAN – “Okay, I’ll see you later! You’re the best husband ever!”

MAN – “Bye, I love you too.”

The man then hung up. The other men in the locker room were looking at him with surprised faces. The man looked at them and said “Anybody know whose phone this is?”

“““““

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