A Soviet officer exits Stalin’s office and says to himself:

“Stupid moustache-wearing cunt!”

But another officer hears that and says:

“Woah, comrade Ivanov, what did you say?!”

“Ehhmm nothing” responds Ivanov.

“Oh is that so? Well I heard something different. Let’s see what comrade Stalin has to say about this”
They come into Stalin’s office and Stalin asks:

“Yes, comrade Vladimirov, what is it?”

“While exiting your office comrade Ivanov said “Stupid moustache-wearing cunt!”!” Responds Vladimirov
Stalin thinks for a moment and says:

“Comrade Ivanov, who did you have in mind while saying this?”

“Ehmmm, Hitler, ofcourse!”

Then Stalins turns to Vladimirov and says:

“And who did you have in mind, comrade?”

“””””

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This young inmate in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. One of the older inmates known around the clink as Big Hank comes over and sits down on the bunk beside.

“What’s the matter, buddy?” the old inmate asked.

“I really screwed up,” sobbed the young prisoner. “I’m going to be in this hell hole for five years. My life is over. I don’t know if I can take it!”

“It’s not so bad,” said the old jailbird. “The food isn’t nearly as bad as they say, and all the guys get along pretty well. You like softball?”

“Yeah, I used to play in a league,” said the young inmate.

“Well, every Monday we get to play softball. All the fellows. You can play shortstop or pitch if you like. Everybody plays…it’s all in good fun.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” said the newcomer.

“What about football? You like football?,” asked Hank.

“Who doesn’t?” said the young inmate, starting to brighten.

“Every Tuesday we play football,” said Big Hank. “Nothing too rough, all pass, two hand touch. You can even take a turn at quarterback if you like.”

“Hey that sounds fun,” said the young inmate.

“It is! This place is so good we don’t want to let it get out!” said Hank, slapping his knee. “And, of course, you’re homosexual, right?”

“No.”

“Well, you’re not going to like Wednesdays much….”

“””””

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Dugly woke up with a huge hangover after attending his buddy’s Super Bowl party. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Dugly had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Dugly sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.

He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!” He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Dugly asked, “Son, what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”

His son replied, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone bitch, I’m married!'”

“””””

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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference…

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
“I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
?
The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”

“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
?
“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”

“””””

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