Eddy went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Eddy.

Six months later the doctor met Eddy on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

“““““

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A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?”

She, in turn blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,”I don’t fink my pet python weally givth a thit”

“““““

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A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn’t be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Larry!”

“““““

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A young boy answered the phone in a whisper, “Hello?”

The man at the other end asked to speak to his father. The boy replied in a whisper, “He can’t come to the phone.”

The man then asked to speak to his mother. He again whispered, “She’s busy. She can’t come to the phone either.”

The man became confused and asked if anyone else was at the house with the boy. “Yes,” he whispered. “The police and the firemen are here too.”

When the man asked to speak to one of them, hoping to finally get an adult on the phone to find out what was going on, the boy again whispered, “They’re busy too. They can’t come to the phone either.”

Finally the man asked the boy what his father, his mother, the police and the fire department were so busy doing that they could not come to the phone.

The boy whispered “They’re looking for me.”

“““““

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