Affair with Minister’s wife
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Affair with Minister’s wife

I’m having an affair with the minister’s wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn’t like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, “My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says, “You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago.”

“””””

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Moral of the story
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Moral of the story

Little Johnny’s teacher assigned the students to write a story with a good “moral of the story.”

The next day little Johnny tells his story…. “My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

On the way down he drank the whiskey. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”
Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story….Johnny replies, “Yeah… don’t fuck with my dad when he’s been drinking!”

“””””

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Boat to Paradise
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Boat to Paradise

A sexy young woman who was spurned by her lover and then became unemployed, headed to the Manhattan docks to plunge to her death. She had nothing, no friends, no family, she just wanted to end it all…

As she was about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouted, “Stop! Don’t do it!” She replied, “I’ve nothing in this world, I might as well end it all!” The young sailor reasoned, “Listen, listen. It’s a rotten world, I know. But never end the thing the Lord gave us without trying to change everything first. I’m leaving on a boat for Europe tomorrow. I know one of the stevedores. I’ll find you a place to stow away, and together we can start a new life over there. I’ll make you happy. You’ll make me happy. It doesn’t have to end like this…”

She stepped back from the edge of the dock and in tears told the sailor she wanted to start a new life. Later that night, they met in the darkness and he smuggled her aboard and took her to one of the lifeboats below deck. He brought her blankets and some food, and for three weeks they had a tryst. Each night he brought her a sandwich and after they talked about their bright future together, they made passionate love… It was after the third week, while the captain was doing a routine inspection below deck, that he heard a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats. He pulled back the tarp and saw her shaking with fear… “What are you doing here, madam?” the captain asked.

She came clean. “I’m a stowaway. I have an arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He’s helping me get to Europe where he and I will be starting a new life together. He’s been letting me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food…”

“And?” the captain prodded… “And, he’s been screwing me…”

The captain then said, “He sure has, madam. This is the Staten Island Ferry…

“””””

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An American and a Russian die and go to Hell
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An American and a Russian die and go to Hell

An American and a Russian die and go to Hell. They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you’ll find that we have all the finest amenities here in Hell, whatever your heart desires, you can find it here! However, you have to eat a shovel-full of Shit each morning, but then you’re free to do whatever you’d like.

Russian hell is basically the same, but you have to eat TWO shovels full of Shit before your start your day.
The American is quick to choose American hell, but is flabbergasted when the Russian chooses to go to Russian hell.

Several eons later the American bumps into the Russian and says “My Russian friend, Hell wasn’t what I thought at all! Every day I play a round of golf on a championship golf course. I hang out with my friends at an amazing social club until late in the afternoon. The brothel I go to has the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. Every night I have an incredible steak dinner at a Michelin Star restaurant. I honestly don’t mind eating the shovel-full of shit in the morning anymore. One thing has bothered me all this time though, why did you choose to go to Russian Hell? Was it mistake?

The Russian replies: “It was you who make the mistake Comrade. In Russian Hell, half the time there is no Shovel, and the other half the time there is no Shit.”

“””””

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