Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cant seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. Im thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesnt work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.
_____________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony/Child!Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine.

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Dont do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing.

THATS OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. Thats Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say youre welcome.

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We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. we turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didnt want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

I go out to the taxi while my husband went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs with my husband in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, I dont want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so I explain to the taxi driver that he will be out soon. Hes just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.

A few minutes later, he gets into the cab. Sorry I took so long, he said as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. but it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

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An atheist was walking through the woods.
What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him
with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, Oh my God!

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I dont exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?

Very Well, said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.

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