Mathematician, Philosopher & Idiot

A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven. St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, “Heaven’s getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell.” So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, “Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, and you get to go to heaven.”

So first the mathematician steps up to Satan, and he says, “Give me a complete proof for Squaring the Circle.” Satan snaps his fingers, and a big pile of papers appears in front of the man. He looks over the proof carefully, and finally concedes, looking rather glum, “This is indeed proof of Squaring the Circle.” In a flash of fire and brimstone, he goes to hell.

Next the philosopher comes up to Satan and says, “I’d like a written proof that god is omniscient, omnipotent, and omni-benevolent.” Once again, Satan simply snaps his fingers, and another stack of papers appears. The philosopher rifles through them, and finally concedes, “I know we’re right outside heaven right now, but I hadn’t really thought that this proof could exist until I saw it just now.” In a second flash of fire and brimstone, he falls straight down to hell.

Finally the idiot strides up to Satan, looking confident. “Bring me a plastic chair and a power drill!” he pronounces. Seeming confused, Satan conjures up the requested items. The idiot takes his drill and wildly drills about a dozen holes in the seat of the chair, in no pattern at all.

He then sits on the chair and farts loudly. He slyly looks up at Satan, then asks, “Which hole did my fart go through?”

Satan picks up the chair, and holds it up to the light. He turns it this way and that, and pokes his fingers through various holes, and he examines it every way he can.

Finally, after about five minutes, he sets it down, and confidently answers: “It went through the second hole on the left. It had to be. The aerodynamics can’t have worked out any other way.”

The man jumps up and gleefully exclaims, “WRONG! IT WENT THROUGH MY ASSHOLE!”


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