A bunch of scrap metal dealers are all killed together in a bus accident.

They end up at the pearly gates and are greeted by St. Peter.

Peter: What are you guys supposed to be?

A big dirty guy in the crowd: We’re scrap metal dealers!

Peter: How come there are so many of you?

Big guy: We were at a scrap metal convention and were killed on the same bus.

Peter: This is highly unusual. I better go check with the boss.

Peter leaves the group waiting and goes to see God on his throne.

Peter: Dear Lord, there are about 50 scrap metal dealers at the gates and they all want in.

God: Fifty? Oh no, that’s way too many. Go back and pick the 10 or 12 best of the bunch and send the others away.

So off St. Peter runs towards the gates, but a moment later he is standing back in front of God with a horrified look on his face.

Peter: They’re gone!

God: what do you mean gone? Where could they all go?

Peter: No, the pearly gates! They’re gone!

“””””

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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.

“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter, “it’s just someone having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings.”

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

“Oh my goodness,” says the old lady, “now what’s happening?”

“Not to worry,” says St. Peter, “they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo.”

“I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m off down to hell.”

“‘You can’t go there,” says St. Peter, “you’ll be raped and sodomized.”

“Maybe so,” says the old lady, “but hey! I’ve already got the holes for that!”

“””””

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Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?”

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of Jail.”

Then he asked the second, “What did you bring?”

The second convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.”

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, “I brought these.”

The other two were puzzled and asked, “What can you do with those?”

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….”

“””””

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A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says: “I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the
most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. “And how about you, Sarah?”
“I wanna be Johnny’s whore.”

“””””

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