Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he’s late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour’s to get her bred by a bull.
Annoyed, teacher demands, “Can’t your father do that?” Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, “Well, sure… but the bull can do it better.”
At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. “Thank Heavens!”, he cried out in relief….. “I am saved!”
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. “You can’t judge me for this,” he insisted. “I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?”
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. “I won’t judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!”
……………………
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A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.
One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom – only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
“Dammit woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first man.
“How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man.
“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
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