Some DEEP THOUGHTS to start off your week with:

. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?

. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

. Clones are people two.

. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

. No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

. Think “honk” if you’re telepathic.

. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

. I went to a store which said open 24 hours and he was closing. When I asked why he said, “We’re open 24 hours, but not in a row.”

. Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

. Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?

. Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

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 A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. “You, sir, are drunk!”

“And you ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”
 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money, ” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

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A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”

“Yes, I was a salesman in the country,” said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, “You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see you when we close up.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o’clock came around.

The boss duly fronted up and asked, “How many sales did you make today?”

“One” said the young salesman.

“Only one” blurted the boss, “Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”

“One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars” said the young man.

“How did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.

“Well,” said the salesman, “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.”

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?”

“No,” answered the salesman. “He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him,”Your weekend’s fucked, you may as well go fishing.”

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