Reasons it’s great to be a guy:

– Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

– Movie nudity is virtually always female.

– A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

– You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.

– Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

– You can open all your own jars.

– Old friends don’t give a crap whether you’ve lost or gained weight.

– Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

– When clicking through the channels, you don’t have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

– All your orgasms are real.

– You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

– You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

– Your last name stays put.

– You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

– You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

– Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

– Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

– Wedding plans take care of themselves.

– If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

– You don’t have to shave below your neck.

– None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

– You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

– If you’re 34 and single, nobody even notices.

– You can write your name in the snow.

– Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

– Chocolate is just another snack.

– You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

– Flowers fix everything.

– You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

– Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

– You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

– Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.

– You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

– You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

– You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking “He must be mad at me”.

– The world is your urinal.

– Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

– One mood, all the time

– You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one’s just too skeevy.

– You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.

– Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

– You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

– Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.

– You don’t care if someone’s talking about you behind you back.

– With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

……………..

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Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter’s station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

“I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Not to worry,” Peter said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.”

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”

“Yes, I have to admit that I did.”

“Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”

“Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”

——-

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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”

“Moses,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot”, sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Moses?”

The parrot replied, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”

……………..

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This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he’d like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”

“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”

“I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”

“Yeah?” The guy asks. “Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it cause of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”

“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy … and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.”

The guy looks at the price tag. “$200!” He says, “I can’t afford that.”

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.

“Nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20 just make an offer.”

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the mailman.”

“What?” says the guy.

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” Asks the guy.

“Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.

“Oh No!” the guy says, “Then what?”

“Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down…”

The parrot pauses for a long time. “What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.

“I don’t know,” says the parrot, “I fell off my perch.”

……………..

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