Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous….. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. “Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

3. “Can you hear me NOW?”

4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”

8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!

10. “Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

11. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

12 . “God, now I know why I am not gay.”

And the best one of all..

13. “Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He notices the man sitting next to him is looking into a box. After a while, his curiosity gets the best of him, so he leans over and looks into the box. Inside is a miniature man playing a miniature piano. “… that’s amazing, where did you get it?”, he asked. His barmate answers, “This is my wish. There’s a genie out back in the alley and he is granting wishes.”

The guy finds this hard to believe, so he walks out back to the alley, and to his surprise, there is a genie. The genie asks him what he would like to have for a wish, and the guy answers, “I would like to have a million bucks!” Then suddenly, there are a million ducks flying around his head, quacking and flapping their wings.

He goes back into the bar and says to the barmate, “That’s a poor excuse of a genie! I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million DUCKS!” His barmate turns away from the box he’s looking into and replies, “I guess you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answers Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that ~ get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

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