Joke of the Day – Vacuum Salesman

A vaccumm salesman walks to a house and knocks on the door. As soon as a lady answers the door, the man throws cow dung all over the carpet. He then says, “If this vaccum does not clean it completely and perform miracles, then I myself will eat the patties.”

There is a long pause….

The lady half laughing asks, “Do you want a ketchup or mustard on that?”

Puzzled the man asks, “What? Why?”

She says, laughing, “We just moved in and our electricity is not turn on yet.”

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Joke of the Day – Definition Q&A’s

What is the definition of pain? Falling of a cliff, landing on a bike with no seat.

What is the definition of agony? Sliding down a razor blade, using your balls as brakes, landing in a bucket of vinegar.

What is the definition of torture? A 1 armed man hanging off of a cliff with itchy balls.

What is the definition of cramped? Reading a playboy in steel jocks.

What is the definition of suffocation? Farting in a space suit.

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Joke of the Day – Making People Happy

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.”

Cheney added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, “Such big-shots back there. Shit, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.”

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Joke of the Day – Hit the Floor!

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. “I’ll be right back and we’ll go to eat,” she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big…very big…an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don’t be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn’t read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn’t just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn’t move. Panic consumed her. “My God”, she thought, “I’m trapped and about to be robbed!” Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then…one of the men said, “Hit the floor.” Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. “Take my money and spare me”, she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, “Ma’am, if you’ll just tell us what floor you’re going to, we’ll push the button.” The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

“When I told my man here to hit the floor,” said the average sized one, “I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn’t mean for you to hit the floor, ma’am.” He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

She thought: “My God, what a spectacle I’ve made of myself.” She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn’t know what to say.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room–a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: “Thanks for the best laugh we’ve had in years.” It was signed, Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

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