Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.”

Cheney added, “That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, “Such big-shots back there. Shit, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.”

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A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, “Come on in.”

When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people who broke my window?”

The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, “Actually, I want to thank you, I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep last one for myself.”

“Fantastic!” said the husband. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem,” said the genie, “it’s the least I can do.”

“I want a house in every country in the world,” said the wife. “Consider it done,” said the genie, “and now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looked over at his wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses…If you don’t mind honey, I don’t either.” The wife agreed.

The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, “How old is you husband, anyway?”

“Twenty-five,” said the wife.

“And he still believes in genies?”

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A mafia king is lying on his sick bed when he calls in one of his godsons. “Mikey, get over here,” he says, “before I go, I gotta ask you to do me one favor.” “Yes, godfather, anything you ask me I’ll do, I worship you more than anything!”

“OK!” says the old man, “I want you to go to the bathroom and jerk off!” Feeling uneasy the boy says, “I don’t know, it is embarassing.” The old man says, “Who raised you as if you were my kid huh, you can’t do it for me?” The youngster agrees and does the deed, he comes back and says, “OK I did it.” The old man says, “One more request, do it again!” The boy looks and says, “Why? I just did?” The old man says, “Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? you can’t do this little thing for me?” The boy agrees and goes to do it. He comes back sweating and says “OK, done!” “One last request, do it one last time! ” says the old man. “I don’t understand, why?” says the boy. “Don’t ask, Can’t you grant a dying man his last wish?” The boy goes and does it again, he comes back crawling, barely able to talk, “OK I did it again, but please no more, I got no more left! “Good!” says the old man, he hands him car keys and says, “Now drive to the airport and pick up my daughter!”

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