Joke of the Day – the art of selling
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Joke of the Day – the art of selling

A kid gets a job in a small department store. On his first day, the manager shows him around,and explains that the company policy was to sell a product, with a product. The kid looked confused… so the manager said he would show him what he meant.

Now, it just so happened that a customer approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed.

“Certainly”, pointing to the wide range of seed boxes, “and what sort of lawn mower would you like?”

The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on “Well, you will sow the grass, the grass will grow,and you will need a lawn mower to cut it”,

“I hadn’t thought of that”, says the customer, “I’ll take the lawn mower as well then”…and the customer leaves the store happy.

The manager then looks at the kid and says “Now do you understand our policy?” to which the boy replies “Yes…it’s good”.

Just then, a bloke walks into the store. The manager says to the kid “Go on, you can deal with this guy”.

So the kid asks the bloke if he can help. “Yes” replies the guy hesitantly, “Do you sell tampons, as I need some for my wife.”

“Certainly”, pointing to a shelf with tampons etc on it, “and what sort of lawn mower would you like?”

The customer looked baffled and the manager’s face dropped, so the kid went on “Well, the weekend’s fucked…You may as well cut the grass”

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Joke of the Day – Steven Wright Continued
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Joke of the Day – Steven Wright Continued

11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend,…but she left me before we met.

12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 – Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 – I intend to live forever……so far, so good.

20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

34 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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Joke of the Day – Steven Wright
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Joke of the Day – Steven Wright

If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous erudite scientist who once said:

“I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement, and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.

3 – Half the people you know are below average.

4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Joke of the Day – Pecans in the Cemetary
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Joke of the Day – Pecans in the Cemetary

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

! “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last! they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

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