Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore!!!

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A  women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The personal manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the “Tickle Me Elmo” line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The “Tickle Me Elmo” line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the personnel manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.

The personnel manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, “I’m sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”

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How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help “groups”?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

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TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA : Here it is! TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS : Maria!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __ TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank? FRANK : Because of the sign. TEACHER : What sign? FRANK : The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?” GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L” TEACHER : No, that’s wrong GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD : H I J K L M N O!! TEACHER : What are you talking about? DONALD : Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago. WINNIE : Me!

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty? GOSS : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.” MILLIE : I is… TEACHER : No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.” MILLIE : All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?” LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON : No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!;

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD : A teacher.

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