A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, Well thats great. Some assholes got my pen.

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New Disease Alert from The Centers for Disease Control

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Optional: Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase antidote – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately tell five friends about this medical alert. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

“””””

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A minister was driving along and saw a woman on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The minister had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The woman looked at him and immediately said, Reverend, remember Psalm 129?

The minister was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while hanging gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The woman once again said, Reverend, remember Psalm 129?

Once again the minister apologized. Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.

Arriving at her stopping point, the woman got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the minister rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

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A sales representative, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so Ill give each of you just one.

Me first! Me first! says the admin clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! Shes gone.

Me next! Me next! says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me. Poof! Hes gone.

Okay, youre up, the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

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