I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call Id forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying Hello.
I politely said, This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear Get the right f***ing number! and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldnt believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyns correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled Youre an asshole! and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word asshole next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, Id call him up and yell, Youre an asshole! It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. Im calling to see if youre familiar with our Caller ID Program?
He yelled NO! and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, Thats because youre an asshole! and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull in to a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that Id been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that Id better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?
He said, Yes, it is. I asked, Can you tell me where I can see it? He said, Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . Its a yellow rambler, and the cars parked right out in front.
I asked, Whats your name?
He said, My name is Don Hansen,
I asked, Whens a good time to catch you, Don?
He said, Im home every evening after five.
I said, Listen, Don, can I tell you something?
He said, Yes?
I said, Don, youre an asshole!
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
He said, Hello.
I said, Youre an asshole! (But I didnt hang up.)
He asked, Are you still there?
I said, Yeah,
He screamed, Stop calling me,
I said, Make me,
He asked, Who are you?
I said, My name is Don Hansen.
He said, Yeah? Where do you live? I said, Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, in a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.
He said, Im coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.
I said, Yeah, like Im really scared, asshole, and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, Hello?
I said, Hello, asshole,
He yelled, If I ever find out who you are….
I said, Youll what?
He exclaimed, Ill kick your ass,
I answered, Well, asshole, heres your chance. Im coming over right now.
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, Saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
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